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Henkt
04-11-2010, 10:55 AM
DIE POLISIE VANG GATIEP EEN AAND MET 4 KREWE.

Polisie: meneer, het jy 'n lisensie om die krewe te vang?
Gatiep : nee, hulle is my troeteldiertjies. ek bring hulle elke aand uit om 'n bietjie te swem, na 'n rukkie fluit ek dan kom hulle na my toe, dan stap ons huis toe. "

Polisie: maar jy lieg mos nou, meneer!
Gatiep: nee meneer, kom ek wys jou dan.

Gatiep sit die krewe in die water en hulle swem weg.

Polisie: wanner gaan jy fluit ?

Gatiep: vir wie fluit?
Polisie: vir die krewe?
Gatiep: watter krewe???

JacoB
04-11-2010, 11:40 AM
Die "Valie" kom onder in die kaap. Hy roep vir Gatiep nader.
"Hoe kom ek by die kasteel?"
"Maklik my lanie. Djy beginne hier en dan ry djy regs daar by die robot. Daar djy draai regs en tot oor................eh ........"
"Nei my lanie, djy beginne hier en dan ry djy links hier by die sirkel tot by die stop................mmmmm..........."
"Nei man, sorry my lanie, djy beginne hier en dan ry djy reguit tot daar by Hanover straat en dan......................"

"Nee wat my lanie. Dis beter as djy nie hier beginne nie"

sjbosbfk
04-11-2010, 05:56 PM
hierdie het rerig gebeur. vriende van ons is kaap toe vir die rugby n ruk terug. hulle stop toe by n kuipie en vra "wat is die vinnigste manier om by nuweland uit te kom??"
die kuipie staan so ruk en dink..."maar djy ry met djou kar meneer"

Weimaraner
04-11-2010, 06:59 PM
Kom ons probeer die een...

Wat kry jy as jy 'n haas MOER HARD skop?





















'n Pantoffel

dd
04-11-2010, 10:55 PM
So gepraat van hasies,

Wat noem jy iemand wat heeltyd hasie grapies vertel ?

`n Ierithasie.



No hard veelings Mario :wink:

Weimaraner
05-11-2010, 09:25 AM
So gepraat van hasies,

Wat noem jy iemand wat heeltyd hasie grapies vertel ?

`n Ierithasie.



No hard veelings Mario :wink:

:P

PieterS
08-11-2010, 08:45 PM
Hasie is blind gebore maar maar nogtans hop hy deur die veld ( net baie stadig) Skielik struikel hasie bo oor 'n slang en slaat neer. So met die val slag kan hy mos nie sien wat gebeur nie en, hy vat so hap uit die grond uit en verloor een van sy voortanne. Toe hy lekker tot verhaal kom voel hy 'n ding hier onder hom beweeg en 'n gemompel. Hasie staan op en kom toe egter dat hy bo-oor 'n anner dier geval het. Skiestog se hasie eks blind, ek kan nie sien waar ek loop nie. Haai se slang, weet jy ek is ook blind van geboote af.
Hasie: Wat is jy? Nee se slang, ek weet nie watse dier ek is nie. Hasie: Weet jy ek is ook blind van geboorte af en ek weet ook nie wat ek is nie. Slang: Maar laat ek bo-oor jouloop dan kan ek voel hoe jy voel en vir jou se wat jy is. Slang doen toe so en kom met die antwoord.
Jyt 'n wipperige neusie en sagte wolletjies en 'n stomp stertjie. Jy moet 'n hasie wees. Hasie is baie bly om te weet wat hy is en huppel 'n sirkel om slang.
Hasie: Nou maar laat ek voel hoe jy voel dan kan ek vir jou se wat jy is.
Hasie bevoel vir slang en se vir hom. Jy is glad en koud , jy het skubbe en jy het nie pote nie. Jy het 'n gesplete tong en jy sis as jy praat. Ek dink jy is 'n bloubul ondersteuner. :lol:

Nisuzu
08-11-2010, 09:38 PM
Jy het 'n gesplete tong en jy sis as jy praat. Ek dink jy is 'n bloubul ondersteuner. :lol:
Die grappies in hierdie fred is veronderstel om geskik te wees vir almal. :twisted:

JvG
08-11-2010, 10:16 PM
So gepraat van hasies,

Wat noem jy iemand wat heeltyd hasie grapies vertel ?

`n Ierithasie.



No hard veelings Mario :wink:
Wat noem jy n hasie in n pyp?
n blokhasie

Henkt
09-11-2010, 04:05 AM
A woman who was always fighting with her husband decides to visit a Marriage Counselor.

Marriage Counselor: "What seems to be the Problem?"

Woman: "I don't know what to do. When my husband comes home from having drinks with the guys, he picks a fight with me."

Marriage Counselor: "I have a real good solution for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later she returns to the Marriage Counselor, and is fresh and relaxed.

Woman: "That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came in from an evening with his buddies, I gargled with chamomile tea and nothing happened."

Marriage Counselor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

gideonstrydom
09-11-2010, 09:00 AM
Wat noem jy 'n hasie wat 'n gediggie opsê?




'n resit-hasie.

Carstens
09-11-2010, 10:58 PM
n Seuntjie wat die eerste keer in die kerk kom, sien hoe die kolektebordjie omgestuur word vir die offergawe. Toe die bordjie by sy pa kom, sê hy dat almal dit kan hoor "Moenie vir my betaal nie - ek is nog onder vyf!"






Man vat sy siek vrou Dokter toe.Na die ondersoek sê die Dokter vir man, 'Ons het hier met 'n baie lelike ding te doen.' Man sê: 'ek weet Dok, maar sy is regtig goed vir die kinders'







alchohol doesn't make u fat! it makes u LEAN... against tables, walls and ugly people!! :):)







Twee pêlle sit vroeg oggend langs die viswaters, dis nog donker en die manne kan nie lekker sien wat hulle doen nie.Die een ou vra: “het jy al ingegooi?”Die ander ou sê: “nee, ek soek nog die glase”







Baas vra vi Shipo " hoe kry jy dit reg om so baie goed op een dag op te neek?" Shipo sê " Maklik baas ek staan net baaaie vroeg op!!!!"

sjbosbfk
10-11-2010, 07:22 AM
boer doen rondtes op sy plaas en kom af op elias wat n pap wiel met die trekker gekry het en vra hom waar was hy deur dat hy sommer net n pap wiel gekry het. elias antwoord en se dat hy deur n sekelbos gery het.

boer antwoord "elias, dis mos common sense as jy deur n sekelbos ry gaan jy n pap wiel kry!"
elias antwoord en se dat hy nie weet wat common sense beteken nie. ok se boer, ek sal jou verduidelik loop na n boom toe, sit sy hand teen die boom en se vir elias, "ok elias, ek wil he jy moet my hand so hard as moontlik slaan".
elias knyp los en swing, die boer pluk sy hand weg en elias slaan amper die bas los van die boom af en krul om van pyn!!
boer se " sien jy elias, dis common sense as jy die boom met jou hand slaan gaan dit seer wees!!verstaan jy elias??ja se elias hy weet nou!

terug by die compong is elias vol smiles, hy het geleer wat common sense beteken, stap na sy medewerker sipho toe en se vir hom, weet jy wat is common sense??
sipho se nee, hy weet glad nie!
ok se elias, ek sal jou leer, hy kyk rond en sien dat daar nie boom naby is nie. hy staan terug, sit sy hand voor sy gesig en se vir sipho "ok sipho, ek wil he jy moet my hand so hard as moontlik slaan!!!"

JacoB
10-11-2010, 08:24 AM
Hierdie is 'n opstel deur 'n laerskool leerling. Ingesluit is al die
spelfoute en dinge:

Die koei is 'n soogdier. Hy is ook 'n huisdier. 'n koei is orrals.. 'n
koei het 'n baie Fein reik - jy reik hom oor die jele plaas. Agteraan
die koei sit die stert. An die een Kant van die stert sit die pint van
die stert wat die kwas genoem word en an die anner Kant sit die koei.
Die koei gebruik die kwas om die flieje van haar weg te hou anners Val
hulle innie melk. Vooran die koei sit die kop. Daar groei die hoorings.
Die kop hou ook die bek vas.
Tissen die stert en die kop sit die koei. Die koei is oorgetrek met 'n
beesvel. Onderan die koei hang die melk. Om die melk te kry , maak jy
die koei se bene vas. Die agterstes. Dan sit jy onner die koei en trek
die toutjie. Dan kom die melk. As die Gras goed is , is die melk goed.
As die Gras sleg is , is die melk sleg. As die donner-weer in die lug is
, is die melk weg. As dit 'n ou koei is , is die melk suur. Dit is baie
goedkoop om 'n koei aan te hou want jy gee hom net eenkeer kos , Dan kou
hy twee maal. Die man van die koei is die OS. Dit lyk soos die koei maar
daar hang net nie melk aan hom nie. Om OS te se is nie 'n vloekwoord
nie. Verder weet ek niks.
Behalwe dat as 'n koei baie stip na jou kyk , moet jy padgee want Dan is
dit 'n bul.



Graad 5 Afrikaans Eksamen

1. Waarvoor word beesvelle gebruik?
Om die bees binne te hou

2. Wat is outobiografie?
Dis die ontstaan en geskiedenis van die motorkar

3. Noem 5 dinge wat melk bevat?
Kaas , botter en 3 koeie

4. Wat is die verlede tyd van eet?
Honger

5. Wat is die verkleinwoord van Oupa?
Kleinseun

6. Wat is die teenoorgestelde van kleinneef?
Kleinteef

7. Wat is die doel van die kies-en oogtande?
Die kiestande kou die kos en die oogtande kyk dat hulle die kouwerk Goed
doen.

8. Voltooi die volgende idioom: Hoe meer Haas...
Hoe groter haaspastei

9. Wat is die meervoud van kabeljou?
Kabeljulle

10. 'n Sin met "ter aarde bestel..."
"Wie op ter aarde bestel so 'n groot koek?"

11. Formule vir 'n sirkel se omtrek:
"paai straal kordaat"

12. Wat is teenoorstaande hoeke?
Hoeke wat vir mekaar kyk

13. Waarom is die seun in die verhaal gestraf?
Omdat hy sy eie virgin van die volkslied gesing het.

14 . Wat is 'n terminale siekte?
As jy op die lughawe siek word!

15. Vertaal in Afrikaans: "I beg your pardon?" (My favourite) HuH?

16 . Wat noem ons iemand wat velle looi?
Onderwyser

17. Wat kry jy as jy jou melktande wissel?
Pepermenttande

Henkt
12-11-2010, 08:20 AM
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A" which is neither legal, nor logical."

Henkt
12-11-2010, 08:56 AM
gatiep en maraai stap uit spar met n pram. maraai skree..."dissie verkeerde kind!"
gatiep se "sjarrup man dis n beter pram!"

Dookie
12-11-2010, 11:21 AM
Dit is April en die Boesmans in ‘n afgeleë deel van die Kalahari vra hulle nuwe stamhoof of dit hierdie winter matig of koud gaan wees. Omdat hy stamhoof is in meer moderne tye, het hy nooit die ou geheime geleer nie. Wanneer hy die lug bestudeer, kon hy nie sê hoe die winter gaan wees nie.

Nieteenstaande het hy besluit om dit veilig te speel en hy sê toe dat dit ‘n koue winter gaan wees en hulle moet begin brandhout bymekaar maak ter voorbereiding. Hy is egter ‘n praktiese man en na ‘n paar dae kry hy ‘n plan. Hy stap na ‘n publieke telefoon by die nasionale pad, skakel die weerburo en vra, “Gaan die komende winter koud wees in die Kalahari?”

“Ja dit lyk so” sê die een wat geantwoord het.

Hy gaan terug na die stam en sê hulle moet nog meer hout bymekaar maak.

‘n Week later skakel hy weer die weerburo.

“Lyk dit nog steeds na ‘n baie koue winter?”

“Ja, dit gaan baie koud wees.”

Hy gaan terug en beveel hulle om elke stukkie hout wat hulle vind, op te tel.

Na twee weke skakel hy weer.

“Is julle heeltemal seker dat dit baie koud gaan wees?”

“Absoluut” kom die antwoord, “dit lyk al hoe meer na een van die koudste winters ooit.”

“Wat maak julle so seker?”

“Ons satelliet fotos wys die Boesmans maak verwoed hout bymekaar, en dis altyd ‘n seker teken.”

imported_christiaan
15-11-2010, 02:31 PM
SKITTEREND!

Vrou: Dokter, ek het niks van my 27 jaar huwelik nie...
en sy vertel van haar man se swakhede, geen liefde of
aanraking of komplimente nie, en na 15 minute vra die
Raadgewer haar om na hom te kom.. Hy druk
haar styf teen hom vas, soen haar in die nek en
op die mond.. Die vrou gaan in 'n trans, en die dokter
sê vir die man. Dit is wat jou vrou nodig het,
drie maal per week. Kan jy dit doen ?

Man: Wel dokter, ek kan haar Maandae en Woensdae
hier aflaai, maar Vrydae vang ek vis.

Henkt
16-11-2010, 11:31 AM
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

Worshond
16-11-2010, 04:06 PM
Gatiep se skelmpie bly net in die huis langs syne. Een Vrydag sê Gatiep vir Meraai dat hy vir die naweek moet Durban toe gaan. Sy sê dis oraait. So is Gatiep daar weg om net later by die skelmpie in te sluip. Die volgende oggend sien hy 'n capie loop in sy tuin rond met sy kamerjas aan. Hy skree vir hom "Tjy dis mos my kamerjas daai wat jy aan het" Die capie skree terug "Nai man die ou is in Durban wie se kamerjas dit is" Gatiep skree vir hom "Tjy gaan k@k as ek uit Durban uit terug kom"

JPD
16-11-2010, 04:38 PM
A young policeman patrolling on his own spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat black dude is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator,

"You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says….



"Zulu...Tango....Sierra"

Henkt
16-11-2010, 05:06 PM
Gedurende die oorlog bevind 'n boer en sy seun hulle in die loopgraaf.
Die seun vra: "Pa hoeveel man is ons?"
Pa sê: "50".
Seun vra: "Hoeveel is die Ingelse?"
Pa sê: "10 000".
Daar is 'n ruk lank stilte.
Seun sê: Beteken dit ons gaan vandag weer laat klaarmaak?

Henkt
17-11-2010, 08:17 AM
A blond woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.
"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave R10 000.00 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7am."
Signed, "The Blond."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning she returned to the park to find the R10 000.00 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blond would do this to another."

Henkt
17-11-2010, 05:55 PM
A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

Weimaraner
18-11-2010, 12:38 PM
Q: Why do Land Rovers have heated rear windows?
A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.
Q. What's the difference between a Land Rover and the principal's office?
A. It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's office.

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Land Rover user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

A man goes to a parts garage:
Man: "Can I have a windshield wiper for a Land Rover please?"
Parts man: "Yeah, that seems like a fair swap."

Q: What is the sport-version of a Land Rover?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: How do you make a Rolls Royce leak oil?
A: Stick a Land Rover badge onto it.
Q: What do you call a Freelander at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.

Q: What do you call two Freelanders at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.

Q: What do you call a Land Rover with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow

Q: How do you double the value of a Discovery V8?
A: Half fill it with petrol!
Q: So you applied for a second bond???
A: Yes, my Land Rover needs a minor service!
Q: So BMW was'nt the first car on the scrapyard????
A: Nope, it was towed in by a Land Rover!

Q: What to you call a Land Rover with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Land Rover gets in the way of a
swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge into the car.

Q: What is the Land Rover owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.

Q: What do you call a Defender with a seat belt?
A: A rucksack.

Q: How do you make a Land Rover go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Q: How do you make a Land Rover go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.

Q: What do you call a Land Rover with a flat tire?
A: A write off.

Dookie
18-11-2010, 12:56 PM
Man strompel by die huis in en vra sy vrou: "wat maak jy as ek die Lotto wen?'
Sy se:" ek vat die helfte en loop"
Hy tune haar: "great, hier is R6.00. Veilg ry"

imported_christiaan
19-11-2010, 12:03 PM
DIS HOEKOM VROUENS NIE MAG GAAN JAG NIE .......

Die ou gaan gereeld jag en sy vrou moet altyd by die huis bly. Sy besluit toe om vir haar `n geweer te koop en saam te gaan jag. Op die plaas aangekom sê hy vir liefie om links teen die rivier af te loop dan loop hy regs teen die rivier af. Hulle sal dan weer mekaar onder by die hoof hek ontmoet.

So gesê, so gedaan. Hy het skaars tussen die bosse ingeloop toe hy drie skote kort opmekaar hoor klap.

Hy hardloop valval terug na waar die die stofwolk bo die doringbome hang. So deur die stof sien hy haar vaagweg en dit lyk op ‘n afstand kompleet of sy haar eerste epileptiese aanval beleef. Toe die stof effens gaan lê kry hy haar vir die eerste keer mooi gesien. Sy loop-val-storm in ‘n klein sirkel soos ‘n rot wat te min gif ingekry het en sy praat onophoudelik op een van daai bloedstollende toonhoogtes wat uit paniekbevange desperaatheid gebore is. Tussen die gekraak van die takke deur kom hy agter sy is in ‘n moerse argument met ‘n ander man betrokke en die kragwoorde rol die een na die ander en sonder veel moeite tussen die twee lae stowwerige rooi lipstick deur.

"Meneer, dit is my Kudu die! Ek het hom eerste gesien. Jy kan die drie gate in sy kop meet. Dit was MY koeëls!” gil se terwyl sy die 30-06 se loop roekeloos deur die tonnels in stomme dier se skedel druk om te demonstreer.

"Goed mevrou, bedaar net!” sê die man vir die swaar gewapende en totaal histeriese vrouejagter. Ek gaan nie verder met jou stry nie, vat dan maar die KUDU vir jou. “Gee jy om om net jou safety op jou geweer te sit terwyl ek my verdomde saal en toom van jou kudu afhaal?!?!?!”

imported_christiaan
19-11-2010, 12:14 PM
> 'n Pa loop verby sy seun se kamer en tot sy stomme verbasing sien hy
> die bed is netjies opgemaak.. toe sien hy 'n koevert op die kussing..
>
> Dis gerig aan "PA"
>
> Met beklemming om sy hart tel hy dit op skeur dit oop en lees die
> briefie
>
> "Liewe Pa,
>
> Dis met groot spyt en verdriet dat ek vir jou skryf. Ek moes wegloop
> saam met my nuwe meisie omdat ek nie met jou en ma wou rusie maak nie.
>
> Ek en Santie het ware passie ontdek. Sy's so oulik. Ek weet julle keur
> haar nie goed nie, omdat daar so baie ringe deur haar lippe, neus and
> ander plekke is, en sy vyf jaar ouer as ek is. Maar, dis nie net
> verlieftgeit nie, Pa sy is swanger.
>
> Ons wil sommer nog baie kinders hê.
>
> Santie sê ons sal baie gelukkig wees. Sy het 'n woonwa wat iewers in
> 'n bos staan en daar is 'n hele hoop vuurmaakhout in die winter.
>
> Santie het my ook geleer dat dagga nie net sleg is nie, ons gaan sommer
> self 'n bietjie daar in die bos kweek en dit aan die ander mense in die
> commune verkoop. Dan kan ons met daardie geld ander, duurder drugs soos
> coke of Tik koop.
>
> Intussen hoop en bid ek dat die wetenskap 'n cure vir vigs vind sodat
> Santie gesond raak. Sy verdien dit nie!!!
>
> Moenie bekommerd wees nie Pa, ek is darem al 15 en kan na myself kyk.
> Ontspan en geniet jou kleinkinders wat nog kom. :shock:
>
> Met liefde
>
> Jou seun, Johan" :x
>
>
> "PS !!! Pa, niks van hierdie is waar nie !!!! ek is by Jannie. Ek wou
> Pa maar net daaraan herinner daar is baie erger dinge in die lewe as 'n
> swak rapport (dis onder die kussing)"
>
> "Bel maar wanneer dit veilig is om huistoe te kom!!!" :twisted:

imported_christiaan
20-11-2010, 01:12 PM
Jonas gaan vir die hernuwing van sy Swaarvoertuig Bestuurderslisensie.

TOETSBEAMPTE: Goed Jonas, kom ons toets jou algemene kennis - Jy ry teen 'n afdraend af en voor jou is 'n ander vragmotor, Jy wil verby gaan - Wat doen jy ?

JONAS: Is reg, Mener. Ek kyk hom die left mirror, die pad is skoon, dan kyk hom die right mirror, die pad is skoon - Dan ek slaan die indicator, trap die petrol, kom buitekant, ek gaan verby.

TOETSBEAMPTE: Toe jy nou so besig is om verby te gaan, kom daar 'n ander vragmotor van voor af, Wat doen jy dan?

JONAS : Is nie mulakeit nie, Mener, weer ek check die left mirror, es skoon, kyk die right mirror, es skoon, dan sit hom die indicator to the left, vang bietie briek, dan steek ek die neus agter die ander lorry in.

TOETSBEAMPTE: Raait, maar toe jy nou in die spieel kyk, het 'n ander trok van agter die gaping toegemaak, Wat maak jy nou ?

JONAS: Aitsa bra, Dan maak ek mar my assistant Petros wakker.

TOETSBEAMPTE : Nou hoekom wil jy vir Petros wakker maak.

JONAS: Ek, ek dink nie Petros hy het al so moerse ongeluk gasien nie.

Henkt
23-11-2010, 10:36 AM
Gatiep en Maraai staan en wag vir die bus.

Trok kom verby gelaai met rolle gras.

Maraai: Sien djy – dis hoe ryk mense leef!

Gatiep: Hoe?

Maraai: Hulle stuur hulle lawn weg om gesny te word!

imported_christiaan
24-11-2010, 02:59 PM
A HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentuckyback country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost ... it's a man thing. :twisted:

Weimaraner
24-11-2010, 10:46 PM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the Cape Times, in South Africa, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi, South Africa, Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f--k all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless." Just makes you bloody proud to be from Africa !

Dookie
25-11-2010, 02:25 PM
Inkopies en die spietkop
Ek gaan toe mos die ander dag inkopies doen in Pretoria. Toe ek uit die winkels kom is die spietkop besig om 'n kaartjie te skryf.
Ek stap toe maar na hom en sê, "Ag kom nou meneer... kan jy nie 'n man 'n kans gee nie? Ek kom nie veel stad toe nie en nou wraggies dit..." Maar hy is 'n steengesig en bly net skryf.
Toe noem ek hom 'n pampoenkop met die genade van 'n aasvoël. Hy ignoreer my soos ek 'n stopstraat ignoreer en begin 'n tweede kaartjie skryf vir die bande waarvan die ryvlak nie meer so lekker is nie.
Toe noem ek hom 'n idioot wat op die strate rondlê met niks beter om te doen nie - en boonop daarvoor betaal word.
Hy staar koud na my en begin 'n derde kaartjie skryf. Vir die krakie in die voorruit.
Dit het vir minstens twintig minute aangegaan.
Hoe meer ek skel, hoe meer kaartjies skryf hy.
"Vetgat! Boepens!" en vele meer het sy nek en gesig na 'n diep skakering van pers laat verander terwyl sy bloeddruk die hoogte ingeskiet het en hy net meer kaartjies geskryf het.
Eindelik het my bus opgedaag en toe klim ek op.

imported_christiaan
01-12-2010, 11:57 AM
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Polony again! If I get a polony
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the polony and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,



"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

SuperVan
01-12-2010, 12:43 PM
Vir die Motor Industrie manne

POEM FOR MOTOR INDUSTRY STAFF



LAST NIGHT AS I LAY SLEEPING

I DIED OR SO IT SEEMED,

THEN I WENT TO HEAVEN

BUT ONLY IN MY DREAM



UP THERE ST. PETER MET ME

STANDING AT THE PEARLY GATES,

HE SAID, "I MUST CHECK YOUR RECORD

PLEASE STAND HERE AND WAIT."



HE TURNED AND SAID "YOUR RECORD

IS COVERED WITH TERRIBLE FLAWS,

ON EARTH, I SEE YOU RALLIED

FOR EVERY LOSING CAUSE".



I SEE THAT YOU DRANK ALCOHOL

AND SMOKED AND PARTIED TOO,

FACT IS, YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHING

A GOOD PERSON SHOULD NEVER DO.



WE CAN'T HAVE PEOPLE LIKE YOU UP HERE

YOUR LIFE WAS FULL OF SIN,

THEN HE READ THE LAST OF MY RECORD

TOOK MY HAND AND SAID ''COME IN.''



HE LED ME IN AND SAID TO THE ANGELS:

"TAKE Him IN AND TREAT Him WELL,

"HE USED TO WORK IN THE MOTOR INDUSTRY

HE'S DONE HIS TIME IN HELL."

imported_christiaan
07-12-2010, 12:03 PM
1. Moenie in die see swem nie.



Meer as 99% van alle haaiaanvalle gebeur in groot watermassas, ook bekend as

oseane.

Die manier om vas te stel of jy in 'n oseaan is, is om die water te proe.

Dit behoort sout te smaak.



2. Swem saam met vet mense.



Sorg altyd dat daar groot, vet mense saam jou in die water is. Die kanse dat

jy vinniger as hulle kan swem en wegkom is baie goed.



3. Dokter die sonblok.



Om jou kanse op 'n aanval verder te verklein, vervang die ander se

sonbrandmiddel met iets wat na gebraaide biefstuk ruik.







4. Moenie in die water gaan sonder 'n mes nie.



Dis sodat jy die swemmer naaste aan jou kan steek as jy 'n haai gewaar.

Sodra hy lekker bloei, swem so vinnig weg as wat jy kan





5. Luister noukeurig!



Elke Haai het 'n Theme Song - As jy dié volgende hoor, swem vir jou lewe:



da-dam. da-dam. da-dam As dit so klink: dadam, dadam, dadam - dan is jy

klaar in jou moer.





6. Moenie paniekerig raak nie.



Bly kalm as 'n haai jou byt. Jy is in elk geval in jou moer in en dit sal

nie help jy probeer oorleef nie.



Die mense op die strand sal dit waardeer want om iemand soos 'n mal mens te

hoor skreeu en gil, is nie lekker nie.



Dink aan die kinders man

Poela
07-12-2010, 09:33 PM
Pa haai leer boetie haai jag lesse. Na 'n rukkie se swem kom hulle op 'n boot af wat besig is om te sink met baie mense wat spartel in die water sonder reddingsbaadjies.

Pa haai sê vir boetie haai, swem 'n wye kring om die groepie met jou rugvin wat net 'n bietjie uitsteek.

Na die eerste sirkel sê pa haai vir boetie, swem 'n kleiner kring om die groepie met jou rugvin wat bietjie meer uitsteek.

Na die sirkel sê pa haai vir boetie, swem nog 'n kleiner sirkel om die groepie met jou rugvin wat nou heeltemal bo die water uitsteek.

Op pad terug huistoe, dik gevreet, vra boetie haai vir pa haai, hoekom nou eers al die sirkels se swem voor ete. Pa haai antwoord, dit is omdat hulle lekkerder smaak as hulle klaar geskrik het.

Henkt
08-12-2010, 09:00 AM
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site.

The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand.

He said to the Italian, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he said, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
To the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while.
I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was untouched.

He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom. You saida to the Chinafella he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but ah couldna fin' him either.'

The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,

'SUPPLIES!!! !'

Henkt
10-12-2010, 09:09 AM
Juffrou vra ons eergister wat ons gunsteling dier is en ek antwoord gebraaide hoender. Sy't glad nie gedink ek's snaaks nie - maar sy moes verkeerd gewees het, want al die ander kinders in die klas het gelag.
Sy't my na die hoof se kantoor toe gestuur en toe ek hom vertel het wat gebeur het, het hy ook gelag en gesê ek moet dit eerder nie weer doen nie.
My ma-hulle het my geleer om altyd eerlik en opreg te wees, en ek is!
Gebraaide hoender is my gunsteling! Ek't my Pa vertel wat by die skool gebeur het en hy dink my onnie is seker maar 'n lid van die DBV.
Hy sê hulle is baie lief vir diere - maar ek is ook, veral hoender. En vark en bees en vis ook!
Die volgende dag vra Juffrou my wat is my gunsteling lewende dier - en ek sê toe hoender. Toe sy my vra hoekom, toe vertel ek haar dis omdat dit gebraaide hoender kan word! Nodeloos om te sê, sy't my teruggestuur na die hoof se kantoor.
Hy't gelag en gesê ek moenie dat dit weer gebeur nie.
Ek verstaan dit nie - dit lyk nie of my Juffrou van eerlikheid hou nie!
Vandag het sy ons gevra watter bekende persoon ons bewonder - en ek't toe gesê Kolonel Saunders.
Raai waar sit ek nou weer . . .

Worshond
10-12-2010, 01:13 PM
Hoekom het 'n Land Rover daai roostertjie op sy voor mudguards? As jy 'n nuwe een koop het jy 'n keuse waar die radio se speakers moet wees of daar of in die cab. Die eienaars verkies dit daar want hulle spandeer meer tyd onder die bonnet as binne die cab.

Henkt
10-01-2011, 10:51 AM
Love it when the parent gets the last word...
A teenage boy had just got his driver's license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't got your hair cut.'
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

tdo4h
19-01-2011, 11:49 AM
SWANGER STILTE

DIE KAMER is vol swanger vroue en hul mans. Die klas is in volle gang. Die instrukteur leer die voornemende ma’s hoe om behoorlik asem te haal en vertel vir die mans hoe om in dié stadium van hul swangerskap die nodige versekering aan hul vroue te gee.

Sy sê: “Dames, onthou dat oefening goed is vir jou. Dit help veral om te stap. Dit versterk die spiere van die bekkenvloer en sal die bevalling soveel makliker maak. Rus net gereeld en bly op ’n sagte oppervlak, soos gras.”

Sy sê vir die mans: “En onthou, menere: julle is deel hiervan. Jy sal niks daarvan oorkom om saam met haar te gaan stap nie.”

Die kamer is skielik baie stil terwyl die mans die inligting oordink. Dan steek ’n man agter in die kamer sy hand stadig op.

“Ja?” vra die instrukteur.

“Ek het net gewonder: sal dit saak maak as sy ’n gholfsak dra terwyl ons stap?”

JacoB
19-01-2011, 11:57 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Switchback
19-01-2011, 03:05 PM
:lol:

Dewaldb1
20-01-2011, 10:02 AM
3- Minute Management Course*

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

*Moral of the story* :

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you
just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the
tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullsh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course

300TDI
20-01-2011, 12:01 PM
Gamat en Gatiep sit op die rotse en staar oor die see.Hulle kyk hoe die golwe beweeg en die branders teen die rotse breek.

Gamat beduie so na die see en sê vir Gatiep" Hy move nè "

Gatiep kyk vir Gamat en sê" Djy sou ook so gemove het as djy soveel krappetjies in djou bottom gehad het !"

Weimaraner
26-01-2011, 12:09 PM
Boer sê vir Sipho: Aaai Sipho, jy werk stadig, jy eet stadig, jy
loop stadig, is daar iets wat jy vinnig doen??
Sipho: Eish, ek word vinnig moeg.

JacoB
26-01-2011, 01:05 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Hoekom vat hulle so lank om die paaie reg te maak??

Oral langs die pad is borde wat sê: "Speed kills"

Weimaraner
26-01-2011, 01:43 PM
Baas Piet: Wat maak jy?
Sipho: Niks!!!
Baas Piet: Maar jy't gister ok niks gedoen ni?
Sipho: Ek was ng ni kla ni!!!!

visser
26-01-2011, 02:58 PM
The husband and his wife were not on good terms. In fact, the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend, but didn't inform the husband. That night, when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me, my dear, my stomach...." and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently. He wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her.
When he was finished and still panting, the wife said, "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?!" and switched the light on.

"No madam....!" said the gardener.

Switchback
26-01-2011, 03:02 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :shock: :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Zulucowboy
27-01-2011, 09:25 AM
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there is a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable...

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. However, after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it is an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

Henkt
27-01-2011, 11:03 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Zambesie
27-01-2011, 02:00 PM
It turns out that there's a scientific an logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous relativity Theory.

It works like this: It is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc.) you're moving at close to speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture...

According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub. Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub.

A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes: " WTF??!!!?? - why is it so quiet?? Holy Cow!!! It's half past one! WHAT HAPPENED??!!??" ... and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travelers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Weimaraner
28-01-2011, 11:25 AM
DIE GROOTTE VAN HUL PA SE PLASE .

DIE EEN SEUNTJIE Sê, "MY PA SE PLAAS IS SO GROOT, AS ONS DIE OGGEND 5 UUR
MET DIE BAKKIE BY DIE HUIS RY, KOM ONS EERS NA SKEMER BY DIE EERSTE HOEKPAAL UIT!"


DIE TWEEDE EEN Sê, "ONS HET JARE TERUG OOK SO K@K BAKKIE GEHAD........."

visser
28-01-2011, 04:24 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to $#!+ out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Weimaraner
01-02-2011, 08:44 AM
King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spo ke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said n othing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Henkt
01-02-2011, 10:32 AM
Ek gaan toe mos die ander dag inkopies doen in Pretoria. Toe ek uit die winkels kom is die spietkop besig om 'n kaartjie te skryf.

Ek stap toe maar na hom en sê, "Ag kom nou meneer... kan jy nie 'n man 'n kans gee nie? Ek kom nie veel stad toe nie en nou wraggies dit..." Maar hy is 'n steengesig en bly net skryf.

Toe noem ek hom 'n pampoenkop met die genade van 'n aasvoël. Hy ignoreer my soos ek 'n stopstraat ignoreer en begin 'n tweede kaartjie skryf vir die bande waarvan die ryvlak nie meer so lekker is nie.

Toe noem ek hom 'n idioot wat op die strate rondlê met niks beter om te doen nie - en boonop daarvoor betaal word.

Hy staar koud na my en begin 'n derde kaartjie skryf. Vir die krakie in die voorruit.

Dit het vir minstens twintig minute aangegaan.

Hoe meer ek skel, hoe meer kaartjies skryf hy.

"Vetgat! Boepens!" en vele meer het sy nek en gesig na 'n diep skakering van pers laat verander terwyl sy bloeddruk die hoogte ingeskiet het en hy net meer kaartjies geskryf het.

Eindelik het my bus opgedaag en toe klim ek op.

Ek probeer om elke dag 'n bietjie pret te hê. Dit is belangrik!

Weimaraner
01-02-2011, 02:55 PM
A Teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class, Shawn.

The teacher asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'

Shawn answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'

Teacher had enough. She took Shawn to the principal's office. While Shawn waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Shawn was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Shawn: '9'.

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Shawn: '36'.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think the Boy can go to the 4th grade.'

Teacher says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions for Shawn.

> Can I ask him ?' The principal and Shawn both agreed.
>
>Teacher ask boy: 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?

Shawn, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Teacher: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Shawn:'Pockets.'

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Shawn:: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the Boy was taking charge.

Shawn.: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....


Shawn:: Shake hands

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Shawn: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. the best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg..

Shawn: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good.

Shawn: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Shawn: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Shawn: Fire Truck

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.

Shawn:: Fork

Teacher: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Shawn: SURNAME..

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Shawn: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

'Send this Boy to UNIVERSITY, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'

Weimaraner
03-02-2011, 01:08 AM
The preacher says "Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward, to the front at the altar,".

Sipho gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: " Sipho, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Sipho replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Sipho's ear and he places the other hand on top of Sipho's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Sipho.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Sipho, how is your hearing now?"

Sipho says, "I don't know, Reverend, my hearing is only next Wednesday ..!"

Henkt
04-02-2011, 12:23 PM
Six retired Jewish fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

tdo4h
04-02-2011, 01:57 PM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Weimaraner
09-02-2011, 11:24 PM
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a blonde girl about
to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are
you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

tdo4h
11-02-2011, 03:02 PM
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".
For an example,
the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

tdo4h
11-02-2011, 03:55 PM
‎​Here's the latest breaking news from Egypt: نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست پیدا نیست I will keep you informed if anything changes…

Weimaraner
11-02-2011, 04:20 PM
‎​Here's the latest breaking news from Egypt: نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست پیدا نیست I will keep you informed if anything changes…

Poor Camel, must have been a awefully heavy Dude...

Weimaraner
14-02-2011, 01:45 PM
Ouma & Oupa klim in die bed..

Oupa gee 'n harde poep.

Ouma vra: 'Wat was dit?'

Oupa dink vinnig en sê: 'dis poeprugby...7 punte vir my!'

Paar minute later poep ouma en sê : 'n drie & 'n skop, 7 punte elk!'

Oupa gee so n sagte poepie en sê: 'strafskop vir my, 10 - 07'

Ouma laat loop ook met n ligte enetjie en sê: ' strafskop, 10 elk'

Direk daarna gee ouma nog een en sê : 'skepskop!' ek loop 13 - 10 voor..!!'

Oupa druk op sy hardste, verloor beheer en beskyt die bed.

Ouma vra: en dit?

Oupa sê: Dis halftyd, ons moet kante ruil'

visser
14-02-2011, 03:29 PM
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


What were you
Thinking?


Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

Now get back to work !

I worry about you
Sometimes!

visser
16-02-2011, 11:30 AM
A Free State "Boer" walks into his local bar and to his surprise finds a
little Japanese man sitting in his regular chair.
"Kleingat, you sommer sitting op my stoel" he angrily shouts.
Before he knows it, the Jap is up and knocks the farmer flying.
After the farmer recovers he asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"

"Zat martial art from my country Japan" replies the Jap and strolls off in a
stroppy way.

The following day the farmer finds the Jap in "His" seat again.
The farmer goes: "You is alweer sitting op my stoel" and again the Jap
knocks the farmer out with some nifty Kung Fu.
On regaining consciousness the farmer asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"

"Zat Karate from my country Japan" and as stroppy as ever ambles off.

Now the farmer is dik die m0#r in.........
The next day the farmer finds the Jap sitting in "His" chair again!
"So, you is alweer sitting op my stoel. Vat So" and he knocks the daylights
out of the Jap with one blow.
The little Jap comes around after some time and asks the farmer what was
that?

The farmer replies: "That, my china was a bliksemse Isuzu 2.8 turbo diesel bakkie se wheelspanner....also from your country Japan "

visser
17-02-2011, 03:38 PM
Last night, My Bra's and I went to Teaser's Night Club. One of the bra's Stanton Wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a R50 note.
When the female dancer came over to us, my friend licked the R50 note and Stuck it to her bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another Bra Kuben pulls out a R100 note. He called the girl back, licks the R100 note, and sticks it to her other bum cheek?s

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my Bra Naves pulls out a
R200 note and calls the girl over, and licks the R200 note. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, he just stuck it to one of her bum cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the girl races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl is egging me on to try to top the R200. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?


The man in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her bum, grabbed the R350 and left!!!*
:lol: :lol:

tdo4h
17-02-2011, 05:03 PM
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

visser
21-02-2011, 03:59 PM
Die ou en die blonde sit in die pub en kyk na die agt uur nuus.
Hulle wys n ou wat van n 10 verdieping gebou wil afspring.
Die ou se toe vir die blonde "Ek wed jou R50 die ou gaan spring waarop die blonde toe antwoord "Ek wed jou R50 hy gaan nie spring nie. Die volgende oomblik spring die ou en val homself des moers. Die blonde is toe baie suur en gee toe maar die R50 vir die ou.

Die ou se toe "Jy weet wat ek moet eerlik wees, ek het die 7 uur nuus gekyk en ek het geweet hy gaan spring, so hou maar jou geld.

Die blonde se toe "Jy weet ek moet ook eerlik wees, ek het ook die 7 uur nuus gekyk maar ek het nie gedink die ou sal dit weer doen nie.

Henkt
02-03-2011, 11:24 AM
The school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question." The inspector reasons that
normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question.

He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector excitedly points to him. Sipho stands up and replies: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn’t me."

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher says:
“Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal
replies: "I don't know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent."

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage dials the Minister of Education's
telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks him what he thinks of the education standard in SA.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: “I don't know the boy, the teacher, nor the principal, but just get three quotes and have the wall fixed!" 8)

sjbosbfk
02-03-2011, 03:13 PM
In 'n onlangse studie deur Wits is bevind die gemiddelde Suid-Afrikaner stap omtrent 1200km per jaar.
Intussen is in 'n studie deur Distell bevind Suid-Afrikaners drink gemiddeld sowat 50 liter alkohol per jaar.
Dit beteken Suid-Afrikaners kry gemiddeld sowat 24km op 'n liter...!!!
Dit maak mens mos TROTS*Suid-Afrikaans !!!

visser
03-03-2011, 12:11 PM
'n Verkoopsman, wat van deur tot deur loop, klop aan die soveelste deur: 'n Seuntjie, so agt jaar oud, maak die deur oop. Hy het sykouse aan met bypassende kousophouers. In sy een hand is 'n Martini en in die ander 'n vet sigaar.



'Is jou mammie tuis boeta?' vra die verkoopsman.



Die seuntjie kyk stip na hom vir twee sekondes en antwoord stadig:



'Lyk dit f$&^&n so?'

visser
04-03-2011, 03:38 PM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men..

'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Weimaraner
07-03-2011, 10:59 AM
Riding the ANACONDA

I am a father. So, sometimes i need to do stuff that fathers
do. In the old days, it was marbles and tolle and ketties.
Things have changed.

So, two weeks ago, the bright sparks over the road
here, whispered the words "GOLD REEF CITY" into my laaities
ears, and what can you do? You go to GRC.

Ok, so i checked the website... nananana, looks like a breez, hier
en daar n ride or two, and i wanted to go down the mine.
So ek trek my plakkies aan, kam my hare, and off we go.

We got there early. Ek kap manhaftig twee worsbroodjies weg, en
n halfliter melk, and followed my son to the first ride...
called Runaway Train.

We get on, and i thought these things were for kids and stuff,
and off it went. I did not like it. It was going sideways and
s__t, and i was queasy when i got off.

What bothered me though was the sound coming from behind me
somewhere. Dit klink soos n f____n boeing wat land. And then i
saw it. Big signwriting... ANAF____NCONDA.

I had to keep face, i wear the pants in this family. Ek maak my
arms bak, en ek loop fier en regop teen die dekplank op. Ek
gaan die donner ry, what can go wrong?

There was a queue and the f__k up with that is, you can see
what the thing does to people.

When it came in the second time, and a young student dude, met
spiere waar ek voue het, got out, and kots oor die reling, toe
weet ek, my k@k is uitgeknip vir my.

Then it was our turn. Jono chickened out, BUT my wife was
checking me out. This is where you have to be nonchalant, and
manly. I kept my chin up, en my hol toegeknyp.

You get into this thing, and you hang. The safety bar didn't
want to go over my hoenderborsie, so i pulled a Ville Valo, and
made myself thin, and hooked a clip too close.... i think.

KLANG KLANG KLANG KLANG.... en kom ons f_k nie rond nie....
skielik is ek so bang dat ek n bliksemse nieraanval kry.....
dan draai die etterse ding en dan......MOER HY NA BENEDE....MET
DIE SPOED VAN DIE HEILIGE WIT ELAND.

I s__t you not, forget any car, bike, plane or whatever the
f__k you measure your manliness by.... it accelerated like
nothing i have ever felt. But if this wasn't enough, gaan
donner die ding onderstebo met jou. I feel the worsrolletjie.
No wait, i feel the texture of the worsrolletjie, every
fibre of the worsrolletjie.

Kerels, we came out that first loop met die spoed van
wit lig. I wanted it to stop. I havent prayed in 22 years....i
did then. We levelled out,and then it hit the second loop.
Shorter radius than the first. Ons etter daardeur,en ek verloor
my plakkie. Onderstebo, and then around 2 flat corners wa ek 10
jaar ouer word, and then.... the thing corkscrewed.
Klits daai blerrie broodjie en die melk laat dit lyk soos daai
mengsel wat jy oor bobotie gooi, and another, toe skree
ek soos n Namibiese vlakte vlermuis wat se sonar gek@k het.

And into the station at 200kmh, and just for s__ts and giggles,
they stop it in 10m flat.

I just sat there. Stunned,and my wife is oooh and aaaahing, en
lets-go-againing....sy moet haar jags hou.

It f____d my whole day up.

SuperVan
10-03-2011, 09:44 AM
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Toyota, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Nissan, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Isuzu we don't pi$$ on our hands."

JacoB
10-03-2011, 09:55 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Henkt
14-03-2011, 01:06 PM
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'....I remembered where I left me hat."

SuperVan
15-03-2011, 03:31 PM
Don't send any money in for the Japan Tsunami appeal, they are loaded, I have just seen a bloke on telly getting interviewed outside his house and the bastard has two massive boats and a plane in his driveway!!!

tollie
15-03-2011, 03:34 PM
Don't send any money in for the Japan Tsunami appeal, they are loaded, I have just seen a bloke on telly getting interviewed outside his house and the bastard has two massive boats and a plane in his driveway!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

visser
15-03-2011, 03:34 PM
Don't send any money in for the Japan Tsunami appeal, they are loaded, I have just seen a bloke on telly getting interviewed outside his house and the bastard has two massive boats and a plane in his driveway!!!

Haai, sies man :roll:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

chrisg
15-03-2011, 08:48 PM
Seeing as we are on the subject.
My Japanese girlfriend left me, but dont worry there are plenty in the sea.

Dookie
17-03-2011, 10:56 AM
Got a sms from a friend last night, asking what "idk" stands for.
I replied "I Don't Know".

She replied, "crap, nobody knows."

Switchback
17-03-2011, 11:03 AM
:lol:

Weimaraner
18-03-2011, 10:17 PM
Gatiep & Maraai stap aan fliek toe, langs die pad sien Gatiep 'n hoender
Hol, hy skraap die hoender en vang hom.
Nou kom hulle by die fliek - Gatiep sê vir Maraai "nou wat maak ek nou
metie Hoenetjie ?".
Maraai sê "daaas baie plek vo in djou broek, sitie hoenetjie DA in".
Sit hulle in die fliek, nou begin die hoender benoud raak en Gatiep maak sy
Gulp oop sodat die hoender kan lug kry.
Langs Gatiep sit nog 'n meisie en haar ou - stamp sy aan haar ou - sê die
ou "WATS djou problem, ek kykie baaiscope ?"
Sê sy - "kykie langsaan - Gatiep se flaai is oep"
Sê hy "so what, djy het MOS al baie oep flaais gesien ?"
Sê sy "dja ma Gtiep se ding steek by sy flaai eit"
Sê hy "get real, djy het MOS al baie dinge gesien, what's the problem ?"
Sê sy "dja ma Gatiep se ding vriet my popcorn op

visser
22-03-2011, 01:38 PM
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford sedan so he radios for backup.

"What's the situation?" asks the operator.

"A big, fat, black dude is dancing on a car-roof."

"You can't say that over the radio," replies the operator. "You have to use the politically correct terminology."

"Okay," says the cop: "Zulu, Foxtrot, Sierra."

Henkt
22-03-2011, 04:41 PM
A man was sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me....talking to the beer."

Later, she moves inside and he hears her busy in the kitchen.

About half an hour later she says: “Honey, would you like soup, steak or chicken?”
“Steak” he says.
“I was talking to the dog. You are getting soup.”

Henkt
23-03-2011, 04:02 PM
Seuntjie blaai deur sy Ouma se Bybel en kom op ‘n gedroogde vyeblaar af.
Opgewonde hardloop hy die gang af en skreeu, “Ouma, Ouma, Eva het haar
“pantie” in jou Bybel vergeet.

Henkt
23-03-2011, 04:12 PM
Die wit seuntjie van Gauteng en die kleurlingseuntjie van die Kaap
maak maats op Amanzimtoti se strand.
Ná hulle 'n rukkie gespeel het sê die wittetjie vir sy nuwe maatjie: 'Jy's seker van die Kôp?'
'Hoe wiet djy dit?' vra die ander een. 'Ek kôn hoor ôn die manier wôt jy prôt.' antwoord die Transvalertjie.
Waarop die kleurlingetjie antwoord: 'En djy is sieker van Gauteng?'
'Jô,' sê die wittetjie, 'Hoe weet jy dit? Kan jy hoor aan die manier wôrop ek prôt?'
Kom die antwoord:
'Nee. Ek sien djy het burglar bars op djou tanne!'

Henkt
23-03-2011, 04:22 PM
Die man stap die boekwinkel in en vra vir die assistant: "Het julle dalk die boek ′Die Man, dra die broek in die verhouding?
"Die vrou kyk so oor haar brilletjie en se: "Meneer, gaan loer maar daar by die feeverhale"

Henkt
23-03-2011, 04:23 PM
Die gautie is in Durbanville en is haastig om by die Waterfront te kom.
Hy sien vir Gammat op die sypaadjie en vra hom help asseblief, wat is nou die gouste Waterfront toe?
Gammat vra "Master, loep djy of ry djy?
Die ou se "Ek ry".
Gammat se: Nee daais die gouste.

Henkt
24-03-2011, 04:50 PM
A customer asked: "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The clerk asks; "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended says: "Yes I am, but let me ask you something.
“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The clerk says..."No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says: "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied...

"Because you're in Builders Warehouse".

JacoB
31-03-2011, 12:10 PM
They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Carstens
31-03-2011, 07:08 PM
Twee seuntjies speel krieket in 'n parkie in Pretoria, toe die een deur 'n Rottweiler aangeval word. Die maa;tjie dink vinnig, vat sy bat, druk dit onder die hond se nekband in en draai dit tot hy die hond se nek breek.

‘n Joernalis wat verby stap kom nader en wil ‘n onderhoud met die seuns voer. Hy begin “Jong BLOU BUL ondersteuner red vriend se lewe uit bek van vreeslike dier”.

Die seuntjie se: “Maar ek is nie 'n BLOU BUL nie”.

Die joernalis vra omverskoning en sê hy het aangeneem oor hulle in Pretoria is. Hy begin weer skryf. “LEEUS fan red vriend van vreesaanjaende aanval”.

Weer sê die seun: “Ek is nie 'n LEEU ondersteuner nie.

Die joernalis vra:” Nou watter span skreeu jy voor?”

Eks ‘n WP ondersteuner sê hy.

Die joernalis draai die blaai om en skryf: “KLEIN K@K VAN KAAPSTAD VERMOOR FAMILIE-TROETELDIER KOELBLOEDIG.”

Dookie
08-04-2011, 02:10 PM
I will never wear leotards.

I am very strongly opposed to killing mentally challenged felines.

Nisuzu
08-04-2011, 04:30 PM
I will never wear leotards.

I am very strongly opposed to killing mentally challenged felines.
Wat jou redes ook mag wees, ons is almal dankbaar. :twisted:

dd
08-04-2011, 11:15 PM
Ek het altyd gewonder hoekom Land Rover se voertuie in series 90 en 110 uitkom. Het agter gekom dit is die top spoed

dd
08-04-2011, 11:16 PM
Hoekom het Land Rover eienaars altyd gasbottels ens aan die Landys vasgemaak ? Sodat hulle kan koffie en kos maak as hulle wag vir die Breakdown.

tollie
11-04-2011, 07:34 PM
Hoekom het Land Rover eienaars altyd gasbottels ens aan die Landys vasgemaak ? Sodat hulle kan koffie en kos maak as hulle wag vir die Breakdown.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :twisted:

Weimaraner
13-04-2011, 09:45 AM
Mev. die Speaker , die Weermag se begroting is R 250 miljard (wapens) en 70% van ons weermag personeel het vigs.

Die vraag is: “Sal dit nie goedkoper en dalk beter wees as ons die vyand net spyker of byt nie”

wernerdv
13-04-2011, 10:27 AM
Wat is die beste manier om n hasie te vang?






Sit agter n bossie en maak wortel geluide. :lol:

visser
13-04-2011, 10:53 AM
Two chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours fromthe Gold Coast when she
was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.The man walked
up to the car and asked, 'Are you going tothe Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to
keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo
for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were
ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into
their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde
walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the
amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the
road and ran over to the blonde.'What the heck are you doing here ?' he
demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left
over---so now we're going to SeaWorld.

visser
14-04-2011, 11:07 AM
Who's coke is it...

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said:
"Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour.
She should be in my custody".
The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly
rose.

"Your Honour, if I put a Rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, Whose Coke is it, the machines' or mine?"

dd
16-04-2011, 12:19 AM
Dear Mother-in-law

Please don't try to tell me how to raise my kids! I'm married to one of yours and belive me there's room for improvement!!

Sincerely
Your Daughter-in-Law

Weimaraner
19-04-2011, 01:08 PM
Boer goes to see an English speaking lawyer in order to start divorce proceedings.
The lawyer asks him, "May I help you?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I would like to have a divorce."
The lawyer asks him, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I got 600 hektyres."
The lawyer says, "Sir, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?
The Boer says, "Ja. Of course I got a suit. I wore it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer says, "Ahmm. No, what I mean sir, is, do you have a case?"


The Boer says proudly, "Now let me tell you there are no tractors like CASE, I’ve got 2."
The lawyer is beginning to sweat. "Sir. Do you have a grudge?"
The Boer's also a bit irritated by now. "Ja man, I of course I got a grudge.
That's where I park the Hilux."

The lawyer, sighing, asks, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The Boer says, "No, we both get up at 04:30."
By now the lawyer is getting really frustrated, but tries one last question. "Does your wife nag? Is she a nagger?"
The Boer says, "No, No, man SHE'S white. But our last child is a nagger.
That's why I wants to get a divorce."

SuperVan
19-04-2011, 02:12 PM
Ek lees vandag in die koerant dat Land Rover hulle 100,000 km warranty gaan aanpas om die kilos wat die kar gesleep word uit te sluit :P

Henkt
21-04-2011, 12:49 PM
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday.

visser
29-04-2011, 03:36 PM
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government's strategy of giving you something sh!##y for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth."

Henkt
05-05-2011, 10:12 AM
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right..

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"Bastards won't let me fart."

Weimaraner
13-05-2011, 10:05 PM
Male Logic
A wife asks her husband
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Weimaraner
21-05-2011, 01:51 AM
Juffrou vra vir Jannie"Wie het vir Simson verlei?"Jannie antwoord:"Juffrou dit was 'n Steyn meisietjie,Phylis Steyn!!!

Nav
02-06-2011, 04:09 PM
(I just couldn't resist even though I'm probably going to take a hit for this)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

sjbosbfk
02-06-2011, 06:51 PM
Van der Merwe stap op die strand naby Knysna en tussen die duine ontdek hy 'n olielamp. Hy vryf die lamp en daar verskyn 'n gees.*"Wat is jou wens, Meester?" wil die gees weet.*Van der Merwe dink diep. "Die meeste van my familie en vriende woon nou in Australië. Ek wil graag 'n brug tussen Suid-Afrika en Australië hê sodat ek so af en toe vir 'n naweek kan oorry om te gaan braai."Die gees in die lamp skud sy kop.*"Dis 'n vreeslike wens. Weet jy hoe lank so 'n brug sal moet wees? Die hoeveelheid beton wat nodig sal wees om dit aan die bodem van die see te anker? Die tienduisende kilometer staalkabels om die ding regop te hou? Die miljoene lampies om dit in die nag te verlig? Wil jy nie die saak goed deurdink en iets Anders kies nie?"Van der Merwe dink weer. Daar is nie regtig iets Anders wat hy wil hê nie, Dan vra hy sommer: "Ek wil vroumense kan verstaan. Ek wil kan weet hoekom hulle huil wanneer hulle huil, hoekom hulle kwaad is wanneer hulle kwaad is, en hoekom hulle stilstuipe kry."Die gees oorweeg die saak vir 'n oomblik en vra Dan: "Moet die brug twee of vier bane hê...?

Weimaraner
03-06-2011, 01:02 PM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Henkt
03-06-2011, 02:25 PM
Local Cape Town radio station had a competition where 10 people could win a trip to Mauritius if you met three simple criteria

1) You should be able to be fluent in English
2) You should be non-alcoholic
3) You should be employed

Solly called in:*****

Solly* - Ek kannie eintlik English soe lekker praatie*****
Presenter* - and......?*****
Solly* - En I'm drinking a lot of beers*****
Presenter* - and....... ?*****
Solly* - Djy sien ekke hettie 'n job eintlikkie....*****
Presenter* - So what is it that you want, you don't qualify for this
competition.*****
Solly* - Ek bel maa net om te sê............Ek gattie saamie..

Dookie
05-06-2011, 05:20 PM
The grade 2 class is doing maths.

Teacher ask little Sulaiman Naidoo: " What is one plus one?"

He thinks for a while and asks: " Are you buying or selling?"

visser
07-06-2011, 06:02 PM
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a DA supporter!"

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me"

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an ANC Government official"

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Weimaraner
08-06-2011, 04:47 PM
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been marriedfor 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me

with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Zorro?

Weimaraner
08-06-2011, 04:55 PM
Daar is blykbaar nou sokker vir blindes. Hulle sit 'n klokkie in die bal dan weet hulle waar hy is. Maar nou is die SA span in die hof... Hulle het die roomysverkoper doodgeskop!!!

SuperVan
08-06-2011, 05:48 PM
Daar is blykbaar nou sokker vir blindes. Hulle sit 'n klokkie in die bal dan weet hulle waar hy is. Maar nou is die SA span in die hof... Hulle het die roomysverkoper doodgeskop!!!

Ek is uitgenooi na n 10km draf vir paraplee, ek dink ek staan n goeie kans om te wen

Weimaraner
09-06-2011, 08:52 AM
Gehoor van die dowe ou wat van die krans afgeval het?
Hy het drie van sy vingers uit lit uit geskree.

Henkt
10-06-2011, 10:21 AM
Seuntjie staan by kerk na gedenkplaat met baie name & kyk. Hy vra die ds wat dit is. Ds antwoord - Dis al die jong manne se name wat in diens gesterf het. Hulle staan al 2 in stilte. Di seuntjie vra bewend: Watter diens ds, die oggend of aandiens?

Henkt
10-06-2011, 10:44 AM
Vir ons wat oningelig is nog nooit so iets gedoen het nie, hier is hoe dit werk:
Toitoi werk so:
Die voorstes skree - "we want equal rights."
Die middelste klomp kan nie so lekker hoor nie en skree - "we want electric lights."
Die agterste klomp het geen idee waaroor dit gaan nie en hulle skree - "we want Big Corn Bites." :lol:

Weimaraner
13-06-2011, 06:32 PM
Jonas : Oubaas ekke wil vat die vrou by daai stroois. Darrie ene met die groot vet sterre.
Oubaas: Wil jy trou met die vrou, Jonas?
Jonas : Ja Oubaas, mette die tjint en als.
Oubaas: Het jy haar lief Jonas?
Jonas : Oubaas vra nog. Ekke soek hom sterek. Ekke wil hom lief. Smaak hom sterek.
Oubaas: As mens wil trou moet mens iets weet van die Bybel. Ken jy jou Bybel, Jonas?
Jonas : Auk Oubaas, ekke ken hom soos die bennekant van my se hand.
Oubaas: Nou vertel bietjie dat ek kan hoor.
Jonas : Eendag daar was twee mense, Adam en Eve. Hulle bly by die tyn.
Nou hulle mag eet van al die perretjies, maar van die jam se perretjies, hulle mag nie eet nie.
Toe die boomslang hy sê vir Eve: Auk, wat se nonsens wat jy praat, die jam perretjies is nou mooi gar en soet en too much lekker". Nou hulle gasteel die jam perretjies.
Auk, nou Adam sien sy broek is weg en die nooi se rok is ok weg. Shame, die nooi kry so skaam, hy kryp sommer weg en Adam hy gou-gou maak die klere van troksvy se blaar, marr nou hulle moet yt by die Radys se akker.
Twee groot Ingilsman staan by die hek met skerp assegaai.

Nou hulle sweet baie sos hulle loop en Eve sy loer so by die skouer oor, net so
Bietjies. Sy word sommer sout en die beeste het hom Kant en klaar opgevreet die volgende dag al.
Nou Adam, die arme baas, hy het ok nie nou vrou nie. Hy loop nog so toe vra die tsotsies: Ja, wat het jy gemaak?
Hulle slat hom met die knopkierie en gooi hom met die kleppe.
Gelokkig daar kom parmantig Sameritaan hy gery met sy doinkie.
Soos hy gaan onder die doringbos, sy kroesies hak by die dorings en hy gehang daar 40 days en 40 nights tot Delilah, nooi van die Terpentyne, sny sy kroesies af en hy Val by die leeukuil in.
Maar die leeus vreet hom nie eers nie want hy stenk too much.
Nou hy gebly daar to Ruben wil hom verkoop aan die parrasiete, maar gelukkig hy hardlop weg dat hy so bars tot hy kom by die groot water.
Sommer so vennig hy plik die knopkierie eit sy kombers en hy slaat en hy slaat die water tot hy maak oop.
En wat hy gesien? Big national road van skoon teer en white stripes en yellow stripes de lot!
Nou hy loep by die national road met sy strykwas-OS en perre tot hy kom halfpad. Sjoeps, die water net gemak soos twaksak.
Dit lyk of dit het gereent 40 days en 40 nights.
Gelokkig, hy die groot snoekves hy sluk hom in. Nou hy het gebly binnekant die ves se pens. Oubaas, ekke gelieg nie vir jou nie, 40 days en 40 nights. Mar omdat hy stenk al weer too much die ves hy kan nie toehou sy neus by die water nie, hy gaspoeg hom uit by die land van siermelk en putupap,twalf mainkies vol.
Oubaas sien, ekke ken hom die Bybel.

Weimaraner
20-06-2011, 10:33 AM
Wat is die top punt van gesuip?
As jy oor di dansvloer loop vir nog n dop, en jy wen die singles dans kompetisie!

visser
21-06-2011, 11:20 AM
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man
kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with
your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever
seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first
husband

Weimaraner
28-06-2011, 08:29 AM
TEACHER

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "I L U" written on it.
She asks who left the apple, and little Anna raises her hand. "Well, sweetie, what does 'I L U' mean?"
The little girl replies, "I love you."
The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet" and continues with class.

The next day the teacher finds cherries on her desk with the letters "Y A S" written on it.
She asks who left the cherries and what the letters mean.
Charlie raises his hand and says, "It means, ' you are special.'"
"Thank you sweetheart," the teacher says.

The following day, the Teacher walks in to find a huge banana with the letters "F..U..C..K" written on it.
The enraged teacher asks who left it.
Little Gatiep raises his hand and cheerfully says, "Yes ma'am, I left it.... It means, "From Us Coloured Kids".
Make that circle Beega!

Henkt
04-07-2011, 10:45 AM
Onderwyser is besig om die 10 gebooie met die Sondagskoolklas te behandel en spesifiek : "Jy mag nie steel nie!"
Hy vra vir die klas: "Wat sou die koekblik in die spens vir julle sê as dit kon praat?"
Pietie steek sy hand op en sê: "Laat die kindertjies na my toe kom en verhinder hulle nie!"

Henkt
08-07-2011, 10:55 AM
Three guys were all at a deer camp and no one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said: "Man, what happened to you?"
He said: "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said: "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said: "Man, that Bob shakes the Roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it.

They said: "Man, what happened?"
He said: "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. . .. . . Bob sat up and watched me all night."

Henkt
08-07-2011, 01:30 PM
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Carstens
12-07-2011, 08:49 PM
** Qantas Airlines: sent in by Nigel Morris
** Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

And last but not least.......

Pilot:. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

visser
21-07-2011, 05:32 PM
Die eend loop by die kroeg in en vra die kroegman: " Het jy brood?"
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: Enige brood?
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: niks brood nie?
Kroegman: Nee, ons het nie enige &*^%$ brood nie!!!
Eend: Nie eers ou brood nie?
Kroegman: Is jy doof of wat? Ons het nie &*^%$ brood nie!! As jy my
weer vra, gaan ek jou &*^%$ bek aan die kroegtoonbank vasspyker
Eend: Het jy spykers?
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: En brood?

JacoB
25-07-2011, 02:56 PM
Twee meisie veldmuise sit elkeen met n pakkie kaaskrulle en praat oor hul kêrels.
Die een meisie muis haal 'n foto van haar muis kêrel uit en wys dit vir haar vriendin.


Dis 'n pragtige seun muis met donker strepe oor sy breë muis skouers.


"Sjoe, maar hy's nogal 'handsome' ! antwoord die vriendin.


"Maar laat ek jou wys hoe my kêrel lyk", se sy terwyl sy 'n foto uit haar muis hand sakkie haal.


"My &%^*, dis dan 'n vlermuis!" sê die ander vriendin verbaas.


Geskok gryp sy die foto terug, kyk daarna en roep uit:


"Die maaifoedie!!!! En hy vertel my al die tyd hy's 'n “pilot” !!!!!!

SuperVan
04-08-2011, 11:00 AM
Ek hoor daar is nou n special op Land Rovers.
Koop een en kry n hond verniet saam. Dis sodat jy nie alleen hoef huis toe te loop as hy breek nie :twisted:

Henkt
04-08-2011, 11:06 AM
Dit is flippen koud hier by ons en dit reen nou al 3 dae aaneen, en my skoonma doen niks anders as om deur die sitkamer-venster te staan en kyk nie.
As dit nie ophou reen voor Sondag nie sal ek haar seker moet laat inkom.

Henkt
04-08-2011, 11:52 AM
A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, ‘Nah, you go ahead.’
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.’

ExToy
04-08-2011, 03:17 PM
Ampie is 'n beesboer. Goeie mens, uit een stuk gesny.

Hy het 'n seuntjie, wat ten tye van die episode sowat drie jaar oud was. 'n Regte klein bulletjie.

Volg sy pa soos 'n skaduwee oral op die plaas rond..

Sondag gaan hulle kerk toe. Eers vertrek Ma en Ouma met die motor..
Pa en seun is nog by die beeste besig, en hulle volg later met die bakkie.
Na die diens, by die tee drinkery, vertel Ma dat sy die Mercedes se uitlaat gehaak het, en dit klink nie te goed nie.
Ampie moet asseblief kyk of sy so kan huis toe ry.
Daar langs die kerksaal, trek hy sy swart baadjie uit, en seil onder die kar in. Seuntjie agterna. Nuuskierige omstanders ook.
Dominee vra: 'Hoe lyk dit broer Ampie?'
Die 3 jarige seuntjie loer onder uit: ' Die fotten ding is fattap!'
Geskokte stilte.
Dominee: 'Broer Ampie?'
Ampie (loer nie onder die kar uit nie): 'Dominee, ek is bevrees die kind is reg!'

visser
16-08-2011, 01:31 PM
Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an sms to his Mother in law. “Your product is not matching my requirements."



Smart Mother in law replies - "Warranty expired, manufacturer not responsible after seal is broken"

Weimaraner
18-08-2011, 11:03 AM
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired, “An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.”
Eric grinned .... “Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No“ I replied.
“Write it down,” he said, ‘'and I think you'll figure it out.”

So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

JPD
25-08-2011, 11:58 AM
A certain Julius is addressing a union meeting at a
certain unnamed company.
"Comrades - We have agreed on a new deal with the
management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks,


"Every Wednesday?"

JPD
25-08-2011, 12:00 PM
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over,

ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'So, when did this happen?'



'Couple of minutes ago.'

Weimaraner
25-08-2011, 10:21 PM
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retire to the bar at the end of the day.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia , we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.

Gary, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please."

The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren't you going to have a Castle, Gary?"

Gary replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."

oubaaspieter
26-08-2011, 02:40 PM
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retire to the bar at the end of the day.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia , we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.

Gary, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please."

The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren't you going to have a Castle, Gary?"

Gary replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."

Haha Mario, jy bedoel seker Gary is die chairman van Namibia Breweries... ;-)

Dookie
02-09-2011, 11:27 AM
I started reading a book about the history of Super Glue.

I just couldn't put it down.................


Last night I had a dream about having an out of body experience.

When I woke up this morning, I was beside myself..........

sweeper
02-09-2011, 12:57 PM
RUSSIA: We are the 1st to go to space!
USA: We are the 1st to land on the moon!
MALEMA: We will be the 1st to land on the sun!
USA: The sun is too hot, you cannot land on it!
MALEMA: We are not stupid, we will go at night!

EtienneB
07-09-2011, 12:16 PM
Amy Whinehouse teleurstelling

The absence of illegal substances in Amy Winehouse’s system at the time of her death has shocked her fans. ‘There must be some mistake,’ said Winehouse fan Pauine Roberts (16) from outside the deceased singer’s Camden home. ‘That’s what Amy was all about. Without the illegal substances she was just another singer. I’m gutted.’

But some Winehouse fans are pinning their hopes on the possibility that alcohol might have been the cause of the singer’s demise. ‘I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she drank a yard or two of vodka before she died,’ said Doreen Moran (20). ‘Otherwise I’ve been wasting my money on buying her albums.’

Sales of Winehouse’s music have plummeted since the news of the non-toxicity of her death broke.

And plans to set up a Winehouse Foundation to help combat drug and alcohol addiction are also being questioned. ‘If they have to set up a Foundation to combat death from natural causes instead, well, what sort of legacy is that?’ said a clearly heartbroken fan, downing a bottle of Smirnoff.

Carstens
07-09-2011, 09:03 PM
Hoe ekonomie werk



Dis Augustus in 'n dorpie in die klein karoo.

Dis droog, warm en die dorpie lyk verlate. Dit is 'n moeilike tyd, almal is in die skuld en leef op krediet.

Skielik daag daar 'n ryk toeris op. Hy stap die enigste hotel binne en sit 'n R100 noot op die ontvangstoonbank neer en gaan met die trappe op om 'n kamer te gaan kies.

Die hotelbaas vat die R100 noot en haas hom na die slagter om sy skuld te gaan betaal.

Die slagter neem die noot en gaan betaal sy skuld by die varkboer

Die boer haas hom om met dieselfde noot sy skuld by sy verskaffer te vereffen.

Die hardloop gou en maak sy rekening skoon by die dorp se prostituut, wat in die moeilike tye selfs haar dienste op krediet aanbied.

Die vrou van die nag haas haar om haar rekening by die hotelbaas te betaal, waar sy gewoonlik 'n kamer huur om haar werk te doen.

Die hotelbaas vat die R100 en plaas dit terug op die toonbank.

Net toe kom die ryk toeris terug, neem die noot omdat hy nie met een van die kamers tevrede is nie, en verlaat die dorp.

Niemand het enigiets verdien nie, maar die hele dorp is nou sonder skuld!

Front4tier
08-09-2011, 01:18 PM
Hoe ekonomie werk
Niemand het enigiets verdien nie, maar die hele dorp is nou sonder skuld!

So eintlik kon hulle maar net mekaar met hulle dienste betaal
Ai die ou mense was darem al lank al slim :roll: :twisted: :roll:

Ruil handel is die Antwoord :roll:

Wie het nou geld nodig :twisted:

mogilvie
15-09-2011, 01:07 PM
To My Dear Wife,

From 9 Sep to 23 October 2011, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the biggest and best television, LCD or Plasma is mine. The PVR, VCR and DVD Recorder are also all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye). The PVR will not have enough space for you to record any programmes as I will PVR all games in HD for later scrutiny.

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.

4. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure it's during an ad-break and you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

5. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.

6. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 4 six packs of my favourite beer in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV when no live games are on, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day or would like to watch again. (Please see attached match schedule to plan your viewing)

7. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say 'get over it, it's only a game', or 'don't worry, they'll win next time'. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called 'words of encouragement' will only lead to a break up or divorce.

8. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying 'one' game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to 'spend time together'.

9. The replays of the tries are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.

10. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

a) I will not go,

b) I will not go, and

c) I will not go.

11. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

12. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying 'but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??' the reply will be: 'Refer to Rule #2 of this list'.

13. Please save your expressions such as 'Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4 years'. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the reruns of the Rugby World Cup, etc etc.

14. And finally, if your female friends say that their "man" likes rugby less than me, he is not a real man and shall be bound by these rules and additionally be referred to as "the bitch" for the duration of the World Cup.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Love

Your Husband

Henkt
16-09-2011, 08:16 AM
The President of the ANCYL, Julius Malema walks into an FNB bank and asks to cash a cheque for R2000.
Teller: "No problem Sir. Could you please show me your ID."?
Malema: "Well, I didn?t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. After all, I am the President of the ANC Youth League"
Teller: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, I must insist on seeing ID."

Malema: "Just ask anyone here who I am and they will tell you. They all know who I am."
Teller: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Malema: "Is there some other way around this?"

Teller: "Look, here's what we can do: a while ago now, Caster Semenya walked into the bank without ID. To prove she was Caster she ran around the block in under 8 seconds

Another time, Naas Botha came in without ID. He yanked out his rugby ball and kicked it just under 300m right into Nedbank's yard. After that spectacular kick we cashed his cheque.

So, what can you do to prove to me that you are really who you say you are?"
Malema stands, deep in thought for what seems like minutes then finally says:

"My mind's a complete blank. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing"

Teller: "Would fifties be OK, sir?"

Henkt
22-09-2011, 04:52 PM
Seun gaan Teazers toe, sy ma vind daarvan uit en is boos!
Sy vra: "En, mannetjie?! Wat het jy nou als daar gesien wat jy nie moes nie?!?!?!"

Seun: "Vir pa...

Dookie
23-09-2011, 08:22 AM
They found the factory where women are made.

Fattis and Monis.

Henkt
23-09-2011, 08:42 AM
Koos werk by n dokter as skoonmaker. Dokter vra Koos moet n ogie oor sy pasiente hou want hy moet uitgaan.
Volgende dag vra Dokter vir Koos "en hoe het dit gegaan?
Koos: Daar was 3 pasiente een het gehoes en ek het hom Benylin gegee.
Dokter: goed so Koos, en die ander?
Koos: die ander pasient het gekla oor allergie en ek het hom Allergex gegee
Dokter: en die laaste pasient?
Dit was n vrou, sy het ingekom, kaal uit getrek en op die ondersoektafel gaan Le en gese "ek het vier jaar laas n man gesien"
Dokter: Koos en wat doen jy toe ?



Koos:" en toe gooi ek EyeGene in haar oe

sjbosbfk
23-09-2011, 11:11 AM
Vlermuis kom met vars bloed op sy mond die grot in gevlieg. Die ander sien dit en wil onmiddelik weet waar kry hy dit want hulle soek ook!

Na groot gestry en baklei is die hele lot saam hom die grot uit tot by n groot boom in die woud.

Hy se vir hulle "sien julle die boom? "
Almal lek al hulle lippe en skree soos een swerm ja, ja!

Hy se " goed so...want ek f...$€...n het nie!!!!"

Weimaraner
28-09-2011, 08:24 AM
LETTER TO TRUWORTHS IN JOHANNESBURG THE ENDING IS JUST MAGIC.


Dear Sir/Madam

I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 7 June 2011 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.

However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors,quite as honourable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.

I hope that yours will come out shortly.

Sincerely Yours,
Sipho

PS: I regret to inform you that given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.

visser
28-09-2011, 11:41 AM
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.


The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy. "It's a puppy!"

tollie
28-09-2011, 12:44 PM
Twee seuntjies stry oor wie se pa se plaas is die grootste.
Die eerste outjie se as hy en sy pa 5h00 in die oggend wegtrek by die huis dan kom hulle eers laat aand by die eerste hoekpaal aan.
Die tweede outjie se toe " Ja ons het ook op 'n stadium so 'n kak bakkie gehad" :lol:

pva
28-09-2011, 01:08 PM
Te lui om te kyk of hy al hier ge "post" is. Als in goeie gees......

They say 90% of all Land Rovers manufactured is still on the road. The
other 10% have reached their destination.

All Land Rovers are like women - They moan on long journey's,
embarrassyou in front of friends and you spend more money than you ever
expected once you've committed yourself to one.

Police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket

Why do most Defenders have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted?
So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for road assistance

Landy's have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4's.
That's because they are always being towed by something else.

Why do LR's always drive in convoy?
They are playing 'Who's the weakest Link'

I always wondered why they called their models, a Series 90, Defender
110 etc. But this weekend I found out, those numbers in the model name
are the top speeds.

When you drive on a toll road, you get these yellow emergency phones
next to the road. Stop and look closer. On the phones there are emergency
numbers l: police, ambulance, doctor and Landrover Service

Q: What do you find on pages 4 and 5 of the Landy's user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

Q: What is the sport-version of a Landy?
A: When the driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Landy with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Landy gets in the way of a swarm of
killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge inside the car.

Q. Why do the latest models have rear window demisters.
A. To keep the hands warm when pushing.

Weimaraner
28-09-2011, 08:04 PM
Ampie is 'n beesboer. Goeie mens, uit een stuk gesny.
Hy het 'n seuntjie, wat ten tye van die episode sowat drie jaar oud was. 'n Regte klein bulletjie.
Volg sy pa soos 'n skaduwee oral op die plaas rond..
Sondag gaan hulle kerk toe. Eers vertrek Ma en Ouma met die motor..
Pa en seun is nog by die beeste besig, en hulle volg later met die bakkie.
Na die diens, by die tee drinkery, vertel Ma dat sy die Mercedes se uitlaat gehaak het, en dit klink nie te goed nie.
Ampie moet asseblief kyk of sy so kan huis toe ry.
Daar langs die kerksaal, trek hy sy swart baadjie uit, en seil onder die kar in. Seuntjie agterna. Nuuskierige omstanders ook.
Dominee vra: 'Hoe lyk dit broer Ampie?'
Die 3 jarige seuntjie loer onder uit: ' Die fotten ding is fattap!'
Geskokte stilte.
Dominee: 'Broer Ampie?'
Ampie (loer nie onder die kar uit nie): 'Dominee, ek is bevrees die kind is reg!'

dd
29-09-2011, 02:02 AM
Gehoor hoekom die padwerkers so stadig
aan ons land se paaie werk?
Daar staan mos geskryf:
Don't fool yourself, SPEED kills!!!!

JvG
12-10-2011, 10:46 AM
Poppie en Spanner se dagboek...





Poppie se dagboek

"Saterdagaand het ek gedink dat Spanner vreemd optree. Ons het planne gemaak om by die kroeg 'n drankie te gaan drink. Ek het die hele dag saam met my vriendinne ge"shop", so ek het gedink dat hy 'n bietjie kwaad is vir my oorlat ek laat is.

Hy het geen kommentaar daaroor gemaak nie. Die gesprek was nie vloeiend nie, so ek het gevra of ons iewers rustig 'n bietjie kan praat.

Hy't gesê dis reg, maar het die heeltyd stil gebly. Ek't gevra of iets verkeerd is, maar hy't gesê dis niks. Ek't gevra of dit my skuld is dat hy kwaad is. Hy't gesê dat dit niks te doen het met my nie en dat ek nie moet stres nie.

Op pad terug huis toe het ek vir hom gesê dat ek lief is vir hom, maar hy't nie terug geantwoord nie, net geglimlag en verder gery.

Ek kannie sy gedrag verduidelik nie; ek weet nie hoekom hy nie vir my gesê het dat hy lief is vir my nie. By die huis gekom, het ek gedink dat ek hom verloor het, asof hy niks met my te doen wil hê nie. Hy't net voor die TV gesit, stil en ver weg.

Uiteindelik het ek besluit om bed toe te gaan. Na 10 minute het hy langs my kom lê. Tot my verbasing het hy my nie weggestoot, toe ek hom liefderlik getroetel het nie. Ons het die NASTY gedoen, maar dit het nog steeds gevoel asof sy gedagtes elders is. Ek wou hom nog aanvat oor die hele affêre, maar hy was reeds aan die slaap.

Ek't begin huil totdat ek ook aan die slaap geraak het. Ek weet nie wat om te doen nie. Ek is amper seker dat sy gedagtes by iemand anders is. My lewe is een groot disaster.

Goeienag liewe Dagboek.

Poppie



Spanner se dagboek




"Vandag het die Bulls verloor. Gelukkig het ek 'n knippie gekry."

Weimaraner
13-10-2011, 08:16 AM
Ek sien gister 'n kar met 'n bumper sticker op wat se:"Ek miss Gauteng"

Toe breek ek sy venster en steel sy radio...

Dookie
13-10-2011, 08:20 AM
Die ou sit alleen by die kroeg en drink 'n bier.
Hy vat 'n slukkie en gooi 'n bietjie oor sy hand uit.

Barman vra: "Wat maak jy?"

Hy antwoord:" Ek maak net my date dronk"

Henkt
13-10-2011, 11:53 AM
Filemon bestuur 'n 1400 Datsun bakkie.

Voor in die bakkie saam met hom is 6 ander mense en agterop sit
net een klein mannetjie.

'n Verkeersbeampte keer Filemon voor en sê: "Ek verstaan nou nie
so mooi nie."

"Hoe kan julle 7 mense voor in die bakkie ry en net een persoon
sit agterop?"

Filemon kyk hom ongelowig aan en antwoord:

"eish constable, jy kan mos self sien daar is nie plek vir daai
man hier voor nie!"

Henkt
13-10-2011, 03:16 PM
Senior Citizen to 80 year old buddy
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

JSnyman
13-10-2011, 07:17 PM
'n Polisiewoorvoerder van Benoni het in 'n verklaring gesê dat hulle die liggaam van Bryce Lawrence gekry het wat aan 'n lamppaal gehang het. Die liggaam het ook verskeie snywonde, twee en twintig skietwonde, sewe en veertig steekwonde en derde graadse brandwonde gehad. Die fonds is as die ergste voorval van selfmoord beskryf wat die polisie nog teëgekom het.

Johan 8)

EDIT: Mark is 'n goeie Suid-Afrikaanse ref :wink:

Henkt
14-10-2011, 08:17 AM
:lol: :lol:
Hulle noem dit euthanasia - assisted suicide
Ek weet van baie wat hom sal help :roll:

Henkt
14-10-2011, 10:26 AM
Tourist Notices in Japanese hotel.
The meaning gets lost in translation :)

* In the Bedroom:
1) Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notice.
2) Please to bathe inside the tub.
3) Please leave your values at the front desk.
4) You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5) Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

* In the bar:
1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
4) Special today — no ice cream.

* In the Hotel Shop
1) For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
2) If this is your first visit to Tokyo, you are welcome to it.
3) Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
4) Specialist in women and other diseases
5) Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

JvG
14-10-2011, 01:36 PM
yahoo, whatsapp, youtube, twitter & facebook are going to merge.
New name: YahWhatsappYouTwitFace?

visser
18-10-2011, 10:27 AM
80 year old man: My 28 year old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor? Doctor: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and... BANG... The lion drops dead! Old man: That's impossible; someone else must have shot the lion.... Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY!

Henkt
04-11-2011, 11:08 AM
Twee boere loop deur 'n veld. Een van die boere hurk by 'n bol beesmis, druk sy vingers daarin en smeer dit oor sy lippe.
"Hey ou, hoekom doen jy dit??", vra die tweede boer.
"Ek het gebarste lippe" antwoord hy terug.
"So help dit daarvoor?" vra die eerste een weer.
"Nee, maar dit keer dat ek my lippe aflek"

Weimaraner
22-11-2011, 05:09 PM
Koffie maak 'n mens definitief aggresief.

Ek het gisteraand 12 dubbel brannewyne gedrink en my vrou twee koffies.

…. jy moes sien hoe de moer in was sy.

JSnyman
08-12-2011, 07:44 PM
*Anakonda*

*(Skrywer: Naam weerhou om "veiligheids" redes)*

Ek is ʼn pa. Soms moet ek my soos ʼn pa gedra. In die ou dae was dit albasters, tolle en ketties. Dinge het verander. So twee weke gelede fluister die twee stoutgat buurkinders oorkant die straat mos die woorde " GOLD REEF CITY " vir my laaitie.

Nou wat kan ʼn man nou doen? Jy gaan maar GRC toe. Oukei, so beloer ek mos hulle webwerf. Nananana, lyk heel mak, hier en daar ʼn ry en ʼn rol of twee.

Ek wil in elk geval ook in die myn afgaan. So trek ek my plakkies aan, kam my hare en daar gaan ons, die hele fendêmillie.

Ons kom nogal vroeg daar aan. Ek kap manhaftig twee worsbroodjies weg, en ʼn halfliter melk, en besluit om maar die pa-seun voetjies-vleg ding te doen en ry saam met sy eerste rit genaamd die Wegholtrein. Eers gedink die ding is vir kleuters, tot hy sywaarts ook begin beweeg. Effe ongemaklik gevoel toe ons afklim. Waggel toe maar agter die mannetjie aan na die volgende een.

Hoor hom voor ek hom sien. Klink soos ʼn Boeing wat land.

Toe gewaar ek die groot naambord: Anakonda!

Ek het al gehoor van die goed. Nog net ʼn tuinslang van naby gesien. Maar nou ja, ek's mos die PA van die huis, dra die broek, issie ʼn sissie nie. Ek maak my arms bak, en ek loop fier en regop teen die dekplank op. Ek gaan die donner ry. Wat kan nou eintlik verkeerd gaan? Eerste fout is die lang tou waarin jy moet wag. Gee jou kans om te sien wat doen die ding aan mense.

Toe hy die tweede keer kom stop, klim daar so ʼn jong student af met spiere waar ek voue het. Hy skiet ʼn kat net daar oor die reling. Sy tjerie se denim is nat en ek kan sien sy het reeds ‘n kat geskiet! Nou weet ek, my twak is uitgeknip en afgerol vir my. Ons beurt. My klein snotneus trek kleinkoppie, maar ma kyk my uit. Dis hier waar 'n mens maar maak of jy windgat en manlik is. Hou my ken hoog en knyp die boude styf.

'n Mens klim in die ding en maak soos ʼn vlermuis, jy hang half onderstebo. Die veiligheidstaaf wil nie oor my hoenderborsie nie, so toe hou ek maar my lyf Ville Valo, en maak myself dun. Haak die belt een gaatjie te styf . . .

dink ek. KLANG KLANG KLANG KLANG . . . en kom ons neuk nie rond nie . . . skielik is ek so bang dat ek ʼn nieraanval kry . . .

Dan draai die ding en dan HEL HY NA BENEDE MET DIE SPOED VAN WEERLIG. Glo my maar, vergeet van enige kar, bike, vliegtuig of wat ookal jou maatstaf is waarmee jy manlikheid meet, die ding gee gas soos niks wat ek al ooit gevoel het nie. Maar of dit nou nie genoeg is nie, gaan voeter die ding onderstebo met jou. Ek voel daai worsbroodtjies en melk hier teen my ribbes. Nee wag, ek voel hulle tekstuur, elke enkele veseltjie en grein van hulle.

Kêrels, ons kom uit daai eerste draai met die spoed van flippen wit lig. Ek wil hê hy moet stop. Ek bid vir die eerste keer in 22 jaar Ons maak weer gelyk. Toe slaan ons daai tweede kurwe. Korter radius as die eerste. Ons move so vinnig daar deur dat ek een van my plakkies verloor.

Eers onderstebo, dan deur twee reghoekige draaie waartydens ek tien jaar
ouer word. En toe kurk-flippen-trekker hy met ons. Klits daai worsbroodjie
en die melk laat dit lyk soos daai gemors wat jy oor bobotie gooi. Nog ʼn
draai en, ag te hel daarmee, traak nie wat vroutjie of die wêreld van my
dink nie, toe skree ek soos ʼn Namibiese vlaktevlermuis wat se sonar gekalf het. Ons kom daai stasie binne met skyt teen my bene en bobotie gemors in my hare teen 200 km/h en net vir die grap en net vir die pret, briek hy doodstil binne 10 tree. Ek sit net daar, versteend, te bang om te roer.

Alles in een slag verloor. My trots, my valstande en my worsbroodjie.

Vroutjie wil nog soos ʼn wafferse Eva, ooo! en aaa! en kom ons ry weer die slang, maar ek bly dikbek en naar en hou voet by stuk ek wil huis toe gaan.

Die slang in die paradys was sekerlik ook ʼn Anakonda..

Henkt
09-12-2011, 08:51 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Ek het al die anakonda gery - een keer :oops: :shock:

Darem my waardigheid behou :wink:

Henkt
09-12-2011, 11:45 AM
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Dookie
09-12-2011, 02:20 PM
So kort voor die runderpes in Namakawaland is daar 'n oom en antie. Hulle
het kinders by dosyne. By die geboorte van die laaste een waarsku die
dokter dat die antie se masjienerie nie meer so lekker is nie en dat sy bes
moontlik nie nog 'n geboorte sal oorleef nie. Die oom en antie skrik, want
hulle is lief vir mekaar e...n wil nou nie sommer moedswillig die antie
laat dood nie. Nou slaap hulle apart op sulke ysterkateltjies, maar die
ongedurigheid broei in hulle. Een nag lê die oom wakker en hy hoor die
antie se kateltjie kraak en kreun soos sy rondrol. Na 'n rukkie is dit stil
en hy kyk na haar, net om te sien dat sy hom met groot oë beloer.
"Jy keek vi my," sê hy.
"Ja," sê sy, "ek keek vi jou."
"Nou maar hoekom keek jy vi my?" vra hy.
"Ek dink" sê sy.
"Nou maar wat dink jy so innie laatnag?" vra hy.
"Ek dink jy moet my maar die doodskoot kom sjee"

Henkt
09-01-2012, 02:03 PM
Chuck Norris Can:
Gargle Peanut Butter
Swim Through Land
Strangle You With A Cordless Phone
Can Speak Braile
Can Leave A Message Before The Beep
Can Un Scramble Eggs
Won American Idol by using only sign language
Made a happy meal sad
Cut through a hot knife with butter
Only uses stunt doubles for crying scenes

What did Graham Bell find when he invented the telephone? Missed Calls from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted To Infinity. Twice

Henkt
11-01-2012, 01:24 PM
Hasie draf eendag deur die woud toe hy vir kameelperd 'n lekker vet daggazol sien rol. Hasie check hom hier van onner af uit "Giraffe, my brah, hoekom roek djy dagga? Kom draf saam met my deurie bos man. Dis baie meer gesond. Jy sal sien jy voel baie bieter na die tyd."

Kameelperd check vir Hasie, check die joint uit, gooi dit weg en hol saam met hasie.

'n Rukkie later kom hulle by olifant wat besig is om stywe lyne cocaine te snuif deur 'n R200 noot. Hasie begin toe hanna aan olifant ook: "Ag nee Olifant, los daai Coke, jou slurp gaat verdwyn. Kom draf liewer saam met ons. Jy sal check jy voel honnerd keer bieterder ou maat" Olifant check hulle uit, kyk na sy Visakaart en die spieltjie, gooi dit weg en begin saam te hardloop.

Die drie diertjies draf 'n koekhou deur die bos en kom toe op leeu af met Sy padkaart-oe besig om heroin te spike. "Leeu!" se Hasie. "Wat maak jy ou?
Wil jy nie sa..."Skielik gee Leeu vir Hasie 'n taai klap teen die regterwang
en spike verder. Verslae kyk Olifant en Kameelperd vir Leeu aan.

"Hoekom het jy die arme outjie so hard gablaai?", vra Olifant.

Antwoord Leeu toe: "Daai klein helletjie laat my elke keer soos 'n dom wetter saam met hom deur die bos hardloop as hy op Exstacy is!"

Henkt
11-01-2012, 01:26 PM
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big man like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Henkt
11-01-2012, 01:36 PM
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

Henkt
12-01-2012, 01:06 PM
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. "3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

Henkt
28-01-2012, 09:14 PM
..Landros: "Gatiep waar is jy gebore?"
Gatiep: "In die Kaap dJou Honor"
Landros: "Watter deel?"
Gatiep: "My hele lyf dJou Honor, net die tanne kom uit Joburg!"..

Henkt
02-02-2012, 03:58 PM
Malema's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctorabout her baby.
The doctor replies" Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Malema; He's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks." Wow that's a beautiful name!
I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like that name Denise."
Then she asks the doctor, " What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies.

"Denephew." :lol: :lol:

JvG
02-02-2012, 05:28 PM
Hoe maak jy n bobejaan?
Jy vat n sak teer, 10 liter water en 1 en n halwe sak mis.
Pasop om nie te veel mis te vat nie anders maak jy n bul ondersteuner!
:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Henkt
08-03-2012, 09:42 AM
Klomp ou mense ry op n bus.
Kort- kort tik 1 tannie die busbestuurder op die skouer en gee vir hom n handvol peanuts.
Die 3de keer vra hy: "Nou hoekom eet julle nie die peanuts nie?"
Ou tannie: "Ons kan nie. Ons het nie tande nie, nou suig ons net die tjoklits af en gee die peanuts vir jou!"

essie
14-03-2012, 12:27 PM
Gatiep en Gammat is suip-gabbas wat as airplane mechanics werk in
Bloemfontein .
Eendag is dit heavy overcast en hulle sit in die hanger. Hulle het
boggerol
om te doen.
Gatiep reken: "man, ek wens ons het iets om te suip!"
Gammat reken: "jinne ek ook...... weet jy, ek het al gehoor dat jetfuel
mens
op 'n heavy plak sit...........Sal ons dit 'n go gee?"
Hulle skink toe maar so 'n paar shots high octane hooch en raak
paraletic.
Die volgende oggend word Gatiep wakker en is heel verbaas oor hoe goed
hy
voel. Die foon lui. Dis Gammat: :"hey bra, hoe voel jy van-oggend?"
Gatiep: "ek voel reg!, wat van jou?"
Gammat: "nee cool! so jy't nie 'n hangover nie?"
Gatiep: "daai jetfuel is kwaai china....... ons moet dit meer offen
doen!"
Gammat: "daar's net een probleem....het jy al vandag gepoep?"
Gatiep: "nee, hoekom?"
Gammat: "wel...moenie ou tjom. EK BEL VAN WINDHOEK AF!!!"

Henkt
14-03-2012, 08:39 PM
Toe ek 'n jong klong was het my ma my kafee toe gestuur met 'n R5-noot en dan het ek teruggekom met 'n sak meel, drie brode, twee liter melk, 'n dosyn eiers, een kilogram kaas, 'n hele pak lekkers en 'n groot polonie. Jy kan dit nie meer vandag doen nie …… Daar is hopeloos te veel sekuriteitskameras!!!

kaktus
21-03-2012, 10:22 AM
http://www.4x4community.co.za/photopost/data/871/medium/4x41.jpg

neverenufpower
30-03-2012, 10:01 AM
Sipho ry vroeg oggend met die baas se bakkie mark toe om waartlemoene te verkoop. So teen 9 uur die oggend bel hy die boer met 'n helse remoer in die agtergrond.


Boer: "Ja Sipho, wat gaan aan?"

Sipho: "My baas, die vark hy het by die pad gespring toe ek ry hom raak.
Nou die vark se kop hy sit vas by die grill en hy raas baie!"

B: "Vat die 303 agter die sitplek en skiet hom dood, gooi hom agter
op die bakkie en bring saam plaas toe, ons sal dit hier uitsort. Kyk
net eers of die radiator nie seergekry het nie. As daar probleme is,
bel my weer, dan kom haal ek jou."

S: "Oukay my baas."

So 10 minute later bel Sipho weer.

B: "Is die bakkie stukkend Sipho?"

S: "Nee my baas, die bakkie is oukay."

B: "Nou wat is die probleem Sipho?"

S: "Ek wil net weet my baas, wat moet ek met die vark se moterbike en
die blou lig maak?

chrisbad
30-03-2012, 10:12 AM
Sipho ry vroeg oggend met die baas se bakkie mark toe om waartlemoene te verkoop. So teen 9 uur die oggend bel hy die boer met 'n helse remoer in die agtergrond.


Boer: "Ja Sipho, wat gaan aan?"

Sipho: "My baas, die vark hy het by die pad gespring toe ek ry hom raak.
Nou die vark se kop hy sit vas by die grill en hy raas baie!"

B: "Vat die 303 agter die sitplek en skiet hom dood, gooi hom agter
op die bakkie en bring saam plaas toe, ons sal dit hier uitsort. Kyk
net eers of die radiator nie seergekry het nie. As daar probleme is,
bel my weer, dan kom haal ek jou."

S: "Oukay my baas."

So 10 minute later bel Sipho weer.

B: "Is die bakkie stukkend Sipho?"

S: "Nee my baas, die bakkie is oukay."

B: "Nou wat is die probleem Sipho?"

S: "Ek wil net weet my baas, wat moet ek met die vark se moterbike en
die blou lig maak?

Goeie een, en net sodat die spietkoppe op die forum nie kwaad raak nie - Nie all varke is spietkops nie :wink: :wink:

neverenufpower
30-03-2012, 05:01 PM
Toe ek uitvind my girl se pa was 'n spietkop, toe raak sy my eks, en nou is ek die vark in die verhaal.

300TDI
03-04-2012, 11:56 AM
George W Bush meets with his ministers in the White House during the Iraq war.The red telephone rings and his Chief of Staff answers the phone.After a short conversation, the Chief of Staff puts the phone down and turns to George W.Bush.

" Mr President, I have just been informed that 3 Brazilian solders were killed in action in Iraq."George W.Bush turns pale in the face and puts his head in his hands.

A few minutes later George Bush pulls himself together and turns to his Chief of Staff and said." Exactly how many is a Brazilian soldiers?"

JvG
05-04-2012, 10:33 AM
Jy is 100% boer as:
‎- jou regterarm bruiner is as jou linkerarm
- jou voorarms dikker is as jou bo-arms
- jy beter kan bestuur op die grondpad as op 'n teerpad
- 4 karre in 'n ry vir jou rowwe verkeer is
- jy versnel as daar 'n jakkals oor die pad hardloop
- jy 'n hek kan oop- en toemaak sonder om jou gesprek te onderbreek
- jy skaapkraal toe stap in plaas van kafee toe as die vleis op is
- hoender en vis vir jou tel onder groente
- jy die woorde pyp, pomp, gat en klimaks in een sin kan gebruik sonder om te dink dit is suggestief
- jou honde net van pap en melk lewe
- jy meer as 1 keer per week bloei sonder om te weet hoe het dit gebeur
- jy drie stelle finansiële state aanhou. Een waarop jy amper bankrot is vir SARS, een waarop jy op die rand van miljoener is vir die bankbestuurder en een wat die waarheid is
- jy Zoeloe/Sotho beter kan praat as Engels
- jou Engelse woordeskat bestaan uit Yes, No, Thank you en Vat vrou! Hulle praat alweer Engels!
- jy eerder jou hemp sal uittrek as jou hoed afhaal.
-jy alle mans met die hand groet en al die vrouens soengroet, veral vreemde mense!
- jy dink 'n meneer gee skool en al die ander mense kan aangespreek word as Oom en Tannie
- jy ingeskryf is op die Landbouweekblad en elke week uitsien na Werfbobbejaan
- jy liewer is vir jou trekker as vir jou skoonseun
- jy kan se watter kant toe die wind waai sonder om jou vinger nat te lek
- "Afrikaners wat saamstaan" vir jou beteken die beeste is in die kraal
- jy op die 5de Julie nog 'n kortbroek dra
- jy dink metro-man is die nuwe naam vir moffies
- jou jaarlikse dankoffer skaap, bees of graan insluit
- jou werknemers jou "My Lanie" noem en jy nie omgee nie
- jy die weer beter kan voorspel as die SABC
- jou radio iewers tussen 100 en 103 staan
- jy elke keer moet gaan was en mooi aantrek as jy 'n kar hoor aankom
- jy die woord "Gel" net gebruik in sinne soos: "Gel, maar dit is koud!" of "Gel, maar nou is ek honger!"
- jy naastenby enige iets kan regmaak met insolation-tape, 'n tang en'n stukkie binddraad
- een of almal van die volgende goed in een of meer van jou voertuie is:draadtang, 'n spuit, spuitnaalde en terramycin, 'n paar patroon doppies (waarvan 'n paar nog gelaai is), insolation-tape, 'n stuk tou, 'n stuk binddraad, 'n paar spaanders - heel moontlik 'n 13, 17 en 19 en 'n grip onder die seat, (as jy na 'n bakkie se sitplekke verwys as seats en aanneem dit is Afrikaans, saam met clutch en exhaust, klomp papiere insluitend strokies, kwitansies, fakture, toiletpapier en 'n spul ander wat al so vuil getrap is dat jy nie regtig weet wat hulle is nie, maar daar binne hou net vir ingeval jy hulle later nodig kry. En 'n bos sleutels wat als oopsluit op die plaas.

Henkt
12-04-2012, 11:02 AM
Chuck Norris se ouma is so rof, hy het een keer vir haar staalwol gekoop toe brei sy vi hom n Ford Bakkie

Henkt
12-04-2012, 11:10 AM
n Vrou hou van sing, maar elke slag as sy begin stap haar man buitentoe en gaan staan op die balkon.
Sy voel sleg en vra, "hou jy dan nie van hoe ek sing nie?"
Hy antwoord,"nee, dis nie dit nie, ek kom staan net hier buite dat sodat die bure kan sien ek slaan jou nie"

JacoB
12-04-2012, 11:18 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

JacoV
12-04-2012, 11:33 AM
Ek hoor Chuck Norris is blykbaar vanmore oorlede. Hy is blykbaar nou weer OK.

kaktus
17-04-2012, 09:21 PM
You are proudly South African when.............
You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's license when stopped by a traffic officer
You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement
You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car
You can count the national soccer team's scores with no fingers
To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750
Hijacking cars is a profession
You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light
The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car
More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election
People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given
"Now now" can mean anything from a minute to a month
You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis traveling in the opposite direction
Traveling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway
You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it
A bullet train is being introduced, but we can't fix potholes
The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday
You paint your car's registration on the roof
You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital
You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one
Prisoners go on strike
You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car
You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once
Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high
When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad
The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are
The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished watching
You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather
You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume"
You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any
You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them
You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela
You go to "braais" (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously
You know that there's nothing to do in the Free State
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from SA

Henkt
04-05-2012, 12:47 PM
Julius is in the bathroom and Jacob shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo? Julius says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

***************************

Julius & Jacob find three grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Jacob: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Julius: "We'll
lie and say we only found two."

dd
28-05-2012, 02:50 PM
Uittreksels van gr 5-kinders se geskiedenisvraestel se antwoorde.

* Salomo het driehonderd vroue en nog sewehonderd bye-vye gehad. Nie almal van hulle het gesteek nie, maar hy was gelukkig baie slim en het ‘n plan uitgewerk.

* Nog 'n belangrike uitvindsel was die bloedsomloop. Dit het verhoed dat jou bloed stilstaan, wat stilstuipe veroorsaak.

* Egipteland was bewoon deur mummies en hulle het almal op hulle hero-gleuwe geskryf en vir hulle pappies gewys. Hulle het in die Sarah-woestyn gewoon en het waterbeurte gehad van die min reën.. Die klimaat was so erg dat al die inwoners op ander plekke gebly het, .n net naweke huistoe gekom het om sandkastele te bou. Die boesmans het in hulle tuine gewerk.

* Moses het die Hebreeuse slawe na die Rooi See gelei waar hulle ongesuurde brode gebak het, dit is brood wat sonder enige bestanddele gemaak is en baie soet is van te min suurdeeg. Moses het die berg Sianied uitgeklim om die tien gebooie te kry.

* Die Egiptenare was 'n hoogs gekulde volk en sonder hulle sou ons nie 'n geskiedenis gehad het nie. Hulle het omtrent al die kafees in Egipte gehad. My ma sê hulle het baie mites gehad wat seker in die kombuis gewerk het.

* Demokrates was 'n beroemde Griekse wysheid wat rondgeloop en mense raad gegee het.. Hy is dood omdat hy verskriklik oordosis of so iets. Na sy dood het sy loopbaan dramaties agteruitgegaan.

* In die ou Olimpiese Spele het die Grieke kaal paal gespring, zol geswaai, en disnis gegooi. Hulle was ook lief vir budgie-jump, omdat daar niks anders was om te jump nie.

* Johanna van Arkel het van 'n stapel brandwonde gesterf. Hulle het haar met 'n blaasbalk aan die brand gepomp, tot haar hare afrou geraak het van skrik.

* Koningin Elizabeth was die "Maagdekoningin". As 'n koningin was sy 'n sukses, maar nie as 'n maagd nie. Sy het haar volk se probleme aangetrek. En was altyd mooi geklee.

* Dit was 'n tydperk van groot uitvindsels en ontdekkings. Gutenberg het die wynpers uitgevind. Hy het die slaweklokke gelui deur dit in die wynpers vas te draai dat die wyn spat.

* Die grootste skrywer van die Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Hy is in die jaar 1564 gebore en die geskiedkundige mense dink dit was op sy verjaardag.
Hy het nooit geld gemaak nie, en is net beroemd oor die toneelstukke wat hy geskryf het. Hy het tragedies, komedies en historektomie geskryf. Romeo and Juliet is een voorbeeld.

* Abraham Lincoln het Amerika se grootste presedent geword. Lincoln se ma is dood toe sy nog 'n maagd was en hy is gebore in 'n houthut wat hy met sy eie hande gebou het in die franse evolusie.

* Johann Sebastiaan Bach het baie komposisies geken en het so ook baie kinders gehad. Hy is dood sedert 1750 tot vandag toe. Bach was die beroemdste komponis in die wêreld, amper soos HÃndel. HÃndel was half-Duits, half-Italiaans en half-Engels wat Hollangs gepraat het.

* Beethoven het musiek geskryf al was hy doof. Hy was so doof dat hy harde musiek geskryf het. Hy het ver in die woude gaan loop selfs al het almal na hom geroep. Beethoven het in 1827 opgehou bestaan en dis hoekom hy later dood is. Hy het rooi hare by geboorte gehad toe noem sy ma hom Beethoven. Sy hare het egter na sy eerste bad heelwat verander.

* Die negentiende eeu was 'n tyd van baie uitvindsels. Mense het opgehou om met die hand te reproduseer en met toestelle begin reproduseer.

* Die uitvinding van die stoomboot het 'n netwerk van riviere laat ontstaan, waarna die mense gevlug het as die water te warm raak van die stoom wat afgeblaas word.

* Die Toekoek is 'n voël wat nie haar eie eiers kan lê nie.

* Parallelle lyne ontmoet mekaar nooit nie, tensy jy een of altwee van hulle buig.

* 'n Sirkel is 'n lyn wat sy ander end ontmoet sonder om te end. Daarom is dit moeilik om sy end te kry, voordat jy dronk word.

* Die maan is 'n planeet net soos die aarde. Daar bly net een man wat baie gelukkig is. Een keer 'n jaar raak sy koeie mal en spring oor die maan.

* Vegatiewe voortplanting is 'n proses waarin een individu per ongeluk 'n ander individu vervaardig waarop net die ouma trots is.

* Koolstofmonoksied is 'n reuklose gas wat verskriklik stink.

* Peter Stuyfgestaan is 'n geskiedkundige figuur, want hy het sigarette uitgevind en begin rook. Hy het so baie gerook dat die niekoetien-kolle in sy onderbroek duidelik sigbaar was.

essie
28-05-2012, 04:13 PM
Sneeuwytjie,Bill Gates en Bin Laden sit lang die vuur en gesels,Sneeuwytjie se eks tog die mooiste in die land,Bill Gates se ek is tog die rykste man in amerika,Bin Laden se, eks tog die mees gehate man in die wereld. So besluit hulle om die tower spieel te vra om die aantuigings te bevestig.Sneeuwytjie gaan in en kom uit en se....sien ek het julle gese eks die mooiste in die land Bill Gates gaan in en kom uit en se.....sien ek het julle gese eks die rykste in Amerieka so gaan Bin Laden in en kom uit rooi van woede en skreeu......


WIE DIE HEL IS JULIUS MALEMA

Henkt
01-06-2012, 10:48 AM
Dit is April en die Boesmans in die Kalahari vra hulle nuwe stamhoof "Spaarwater Kruiper" of dit hierdie winter matig of koud gaan wees.

Omdat hy stamhoof is in meer moderne tye, het hy nooit die ou geheime geleer nie. Wanneer hy die lug bestudeer, kan hy nie voorspel hoe die winter gaan wees nie.

Nieteenstaande besluit hy om veilig te speel, en verklaar dat dit 'n koue winter gaan wees, en dat hulle moet begin brandhout bymekaar maak ter voorbereiding.

Hy is egter 'n praktiese man en na 'n paar dae kry hy 'n plan. Hy stap na 'n publieke telefoon by die nasionale pad, skakel die weerburo en vra, "Gaan die komende winter koud wees in die Kalahari?"

"Ja dit lyk so." bevestig die een wat geantwoord het. Hy gaan terug na die stam en gee instruksie dat hulle nog meer hout bymekaar moet maak.

'n Week later skakel hy weer die weerburo. "Lyk dit nog steeds na 'n baie koue winter?" vra hy. "Ja, dit gaan baie koud wees" kom die antwoord.

Hy gaan terug en beveel hulle om elke stukkie hout wat hulle kan vind, op te tel. Na twee weke skakel hy weer. "Is julle heeltemal seker dat dit baie koud gaan wees?" vra hy.

"Absoluut" kom die antwoord, "dit lyk al hoe meer of dit een van die koudste winters ooit gaan wees."

"Wat maak julle so seker?"

"Ons satelliet fotos wys die Boesmans maak verwoed hout bymekaar, en hulle is nooit verkeerd nie!"

chrisbad
04-06-2012, 11:05 AM
http://www.isuzuoffroad.co.za/mediashare/2w/h1jfw3pcbh08lxm8wz0oxswomtqg6m-pre.jpg

chrisbad
04-06-2012, 12:07 PM
Canopy - Plan B

http://www.isuzuoffroad.co.za/mediashare/k9/w6kow4ffah8vcukut55a15zkdinat4-pre.jpg

Henkt
20-06-2012, 12:28 PM
Getroude man kuier sonder sy vrou se medewete 'n hele naweek lank saam met sy vriende.
Toe hy Sondagaand uiteindelik by die huis kom is sy vrou woedend.
Na 'n paar ure van raas vra sy vrou vir hom: 'Hoe sal jy voel as jy my nie hoef te sien vir 'n paar dae nie?'
Die man kan sy geluk nie glo nie en antwoord: 'Dit sal my uitstekend pas!'

Maandag het hy nie sy vrou gesien.

Dinsdag het verbygegaan sonder dat hy haar sien.

So ook Woensdag.

Teen Donderdag het die swelling so bietjie begin sak en kon hy haar uit die hoek van sy linkeroog sien.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Henkt
27-07-2012, 12:15 PM
Meraai sê vir Gatiep: "Djy moenie dink djy sal by die hemel se hek kan ingaan as djou asem so na drank stink nie!"

Gatiep: Dja Meraai, djy hou djou baaaie slim né. Maar daar is n technical point van hemel toe gaan wat djy nie van weetie. My asem ganie saamie, ek blaas hom mos hier yt!"...

chrisg
08-08-2012, 07:57 PM
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on My computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

chrisg
08-08-2012, 07:58 PM
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

chrisg
08-08-2012, 07:59 PM
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the Printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

chrisg
08-08-2012, 08:00 PM
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod

chrisg
08-08-2012, 08:03 PM
'n Seuntjie wat nog nooit sy boudjies gesien het nie val van die trappe af op sy stykie. Hy hardloop in huis in en gaan staan voor die spieël en skree: "Jitte! Daar breek hy in die middel deur!"

chrisg
08-08-2012, 08:04 PM
Jannie hou baie van Sannie maar het nie die guts om met haar te praat nie. Hy weet ook nie eintlik waaroor om te praat nie, hy's bietjie van 'n rowwe diamant.
Hy gaan vra sy ouer broer vir raad en Boet sê: "Gaan sê vir haar sy is die mooiste blommetjie in die hele wêreld, Dan chat julle."
Die volgende dag sien Jannie haar by die toilette ingaan en wag by die deur. Toe sy uitkom se hy: "Hallo Sanni
e jy's die mooiste blommetjie in die hele wêreld."
Sannie is doodverlief, bloos bloedrooi en boor skaampies met haar toon in die grond. Hulle staan en grinnik vir mekaar sonder dat enigeen van hulle aan iets kan dink om oor te gesels.
Na 'n lang stilte vra Jannie .........."So ... Het jy lekker gebollie?"

Henkt
16-08-2012, 10:14 AM
‘n Man is op reis en sy kar breek naby ‘n monnikeklooster. Hy gaan na die
monnikeklooster, klop aan die deur, en sê, ‘My kar het gebreek. Dink julle
ek kan die nag oorbly?’
Die monnike nooi hom vriendelik binne, gee hom kos en maak selfs sy kar reg. Toe die man aan die slaap wil raak, hoor hy ‘n vreemde geluid.

Die volgende oggend vra hy die monnike wat die geluid was,
maar hulle sê, ‘Ons kan jou nie sê nie. Jy is nie ‘n monnik nie.’
Die man is teleurgesteld maar bedank hulle in elk geval en sit sy reis voort.
‘n Paar jaar later ry hy weer daar verby en besluit om weer oor te bly want hy het mos nou vriende gemaak. Die monnike nooi hom in, gee hom kos en slaapplek.
Daardie nag hoor hy weer dieselfde vreemde geluid wat hy die vorige keer
gehoor het. Die volgende oggend vra hy weer wat dit is, maar die monnike
antwoord,
‘Ons kan jou nie sê nie. Jy is nie ‘n monnik nie.’ Die man sê, ‘Als reg, als reg. Maar ek sterf van nuuskierigheid. Al moet ek ‘n monnik word om uit te vind sal ek dit doen. Hoe word ek ‘n monnik?’ Uiteindelik doen die man ‘n tienjaar-monnikekursus en word ‘n volwaardige monnik.
Na sy inlywing se die ander monnikke: ‘Veels geluk. Jy is nou ‘n monnik. Ons sal jou nou wys wat die bron van die geluid is.’ Die monnike lei die man na ‘n houtdeur, waar die hoofmonnik sê, ‘Die geluid is reg agter daardie deur.’
Die man probeer die deur oopmaak, maar die deur is gesluit. Hy sê, ‘Mag ek die sleutel kry?’ Die monnike gee hom die sleutel, en hy maak die deur oop.
Agter die houtdeur is nog ‘n deur gemaak van klip. Die man vra vir die
sleutel van die klipdeur. Die monnike gee hom die sleutel, en hy maak dit
oop, net om te vind daar is nog ‘n staaldeur. Hy kry nog ‘n sleutel van die
monnike. So maak hy altesaam sewe deure oop. Toe hy die laaste deur oopmaak, is hy totaal verstom toe hy sien wat eintlik die bron van die geluid is!
Maar ek kan jou nie sê wat dit is nie, want jy is nie ‘n monnik nie.


:roll: :D

JvG
16-08-2012, 01:41 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Henkt
06-09-2012, 03:07 PM
Die spoorwegvoorman word ontbied na n trein-ongelukstoneel.
Hy kom daar en sien die ontspoorde trein in die mielieland .

Hy vra die treindrywer wat gebeur het.
Die drywer wys na die draai in die spoorlyn en se: "Toe ek om die draai kom toe sit my skoonma op die spoor!"

Voorman: "En toe draai jy uit?"
Drywer: "Nee meneer, toe hardloop sy in die mielieland in!!"

Weimaraner
12-09-2012, 11:52 AM
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.


The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat...
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.

She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, " That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, " It is , I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."


Don't mess with old people

kaktus
12-09-2012, 02:07 PM
HOE OM JOU HUIS TE BEVEILIG AS JY TE "BROKE"
IS VIR 'N ADT ALARM...
1. Gaan na jou naaste tweede handse klere
winkel en koop n gebruikte stel ''Steel Point
Boots'' verkieslik size 14-16.
2. Plaas dit op jou stoep langs 'n paar lee bier
blikke gepaart met 'n "Guns&Ammo" tydskrif
en ook 'n jagters tydskrif.
3. Plaas dan ook 2-4 groot staal honde bakke
by die spul (vekieslik leeg).
4. Los 'n nota op jou deur wat die volgende
beskryf is:
'Hey Jan, Dik Frik, Spyker en Gert, Ek is uit na
die geweerhandelaar vir nog ammunusie.
Terug oor 'n uur. Moenie rond f&#k met die
honde nie!!! -
Hulle het vonoggend die posman gebyt en hy
is sleg opgef$%k. Ek glo nie Boelie was
betrokke nie maar mens sal nie kan sê
nie.......... ek kon nie uit maak met al die bloed
en bytmerke nie.
PS - Ek het die honde almal in die huis toe
gemaak. As ek julle is wag eerder buite!!'
En dis hoe jy jou huis beveilig

JvG
12-09-2012, 02:18 PM
:shock: :shock: :wink:

Dookie
13-09-2012, 11:59 AM
Blondie bel haar boyfriend in 'n waansinnige toestand, en se dat hy moet onmiddelik kom help.
Sy het 'n puzzle gekoop, al die stukke op die tafel uitgegooi, maar daar is nie 'n manier hoe sy die ding gebou gaan kry nie.

Hy vra vir haar watse puzzle dit nou eintlik is.
Se laat weet, dis ene van 'n groot hoenderhaan.
Hy se hy sal kom help.

By haar aangekom, staan hy die storie mooi en uitkyk.

Hy se toe " Ai tog skattie, gaan maak jy maar vir ons 'n koffekie......daan gooi ek solank al die Corn Flakes terug in die boks"

kaktus
28-09-2012, 12:14 PM
PAS VERNEEM: Malema is ge-hijack in johannesburg. Die boewe eis R20 000 000 of hulle gan Malema en sy bodygaurds in hul motor uitbrand. Donasies kom vinnig in en ons het al 3000 pakkies Blitz, 4 lorrievragte hout, 3250 liter petrol en 849 Bic lighters!

JacoB
30-09-2012, 08:52 PM
Die skoolhoof roep die onderwyseres in kantoor toe.

"Juffrou Griesel, dit is nie nodig om elke keer 'n dankie-sê-briefie vir Jannie se mamma te stuur as hy afwesig was nie."

JvG
30-09-2012, 10:31 PM
Die skoolhoof roep die onderwyseres in kantoor toe.

"Juffrou Griesel, dit is nie nodig om elke keer 'n dankie-sê-briefie vir Jannie se mamma te stuur as hy afwesig was nie."
my ma het baie sulke briefies gekry

Henkt
01-10-2012, 11:54 AM
In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said: "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one of his fingers in Leroy's ear, then he took his other hand and placed it on top of Leroy's head; and then he prayed and prayed and eventually the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Zulucowboy
03-10-2012, 10:55 AM
A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no
sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the
TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

essie
17-10-2012, 12:59 PM
Een sondag in die kerk stap die duiwel skielik daar in ,al die mense gil en hardloop uit almal behalwe Koos. Die duiwel sien dit en stap na Koos toe en vra.. Weet jy wie ek is? Koos antwoord ja jys die duiwel. Duiwel vra..nou is jy nie bang vir my nie? Koos antwoord..nee hoekom eks al 45 jaar met jou suster getroud

essie
17-10-2012, 01:03 PM
Wat gebeur met n blinde man as hy bungee jump?.... Sy gidshond beskyt homself

kaktus
18-10-2012, 08:11 PM
Beste Koos

Koos, ou maat, het ek op groot skaal aangejaag die keer! Ek besluit toe mos om vir Kotie op ons huweliksherdenking 'n skokstok te koop om haarself mee te verdedig.

Ek kom een Saterdag af op 'n model wat glo 100000 volt uitstuur, maar met geen langtermyn effek op die persoon wie jy skok nie. Hy werk met twee trippel A batterye wat hulle sommer in die boksie saamgee. Dit sal mos vir
vroulief wat niks van 'n rewolwer te doen he nie, darem 'n kans gee om weg te kom indien sy aangeval word. Blink idee, ne?

Lang storie kort, ek kom by die huis en laai die twee batterytjies. Druk die knoppie . . . niks. Hel, was ek nou teleurgesteld! Haal toe maar die aanwysings uit en daar staan toe dat mens dit kan toets deur dit teen ? metaal oppervlakte te druk en as jy DAN die knoppie druk, sal daar ? blou vonkie tussen die twee vurke van die proter dans. So sal ? mens dan weet of hy werk of nie.

Ek maak toe so. INDRUKWEKKEND! (Ek sal nog aan Kotie moet verduidelik waar daai twee swart merke op die yskas vandaan kom)

In elk geval, ek en die kat is alleen by die huis en ek sit in my lazyboy die ding en ondersoek terwyl Toodles rustig toekyk. Ek besluit toe om die ding op myself of die kat te toets. Watter skade kan twee ou trippel A batterytjies nou juis aanrig? Foei, ek het Toodles darem net vlugtig oorweeg. Ek kon my indink hoe sy sou spring as ek haar met die ding sou bykom! Tog, as ek wou seker wees Kotie is veilig met die ding, sou ek hom op ? lewende wese moes toets. Of is ek verkeerd?

So sit ek daar in my PT broekie en T-hempie, my leesbril bdelikaat op die brug van my neus gebalanseer en met die proter in die een hand en die aanwysings in die ander. Dit staan daar dat ? een sekonde lange skok net genoeg sal wees om die aanvaller effe deurmekaar te maak. ? Twee sekonde sarsie sal spierspasma en verlies van beheer oor die liggaam veroorsaak. ? Drie sekonde een sal mens glo soos ? vis op droe grond laat rondflap. Enigiets langer is glo
net ? mors van die batterye.

Daar sit ek toe met Toodles wat my so aankyk asof sy wil se: "Moenie dit doen nie." Watwo, reken ek, ? een sekondetjie se skok kan mos nie so erg wees nie.
Met die sit ek woord by daad en druk ek die ding teen my binneboud vas en druk die knoppie.

MOEDER MARIA! WAPENS VAN MASSAVERNIETIGING! @!@$$!%!@*!!!

Ek is redelik seker Jan Wilkens of Os Du Randt (of albei) het ingestorm en my uit die lazyboy gepluk en teen die vloer neer gemoer. Oor en oor en oor! Ek onthou vaagweg ek het wakker geword, inmekaar gekrul op die vloer soos 'n ongebore baba. Al twee my tepels was aan die brand. My lyf was papnat gesweet en my klokke was skoonveld. My linkerarm was onder my lyf vasgepen en my bene het soos riete gebewe.

Wees verseker, as 'n mens mal genoeg is om jouself te wil skok: daar is nie 'n ding soos 'n een sekonde skok nie. Jy sal daardie proter nie laat los alvorens hy uit jou hand geruk word deur jou lyf wat heen en weer op die grond rond ruk en rol nie.

Na so 'n minuut of wat (tyd was baie relatief op daardie tydstip) het ek stadig orent gekom en die skade rondom my betrag. My gebuigde leesbril het op die TV gele (hoe het dit daar gekom??) My triseps, regterdy en my tepels het steeds onbeheersd gespring. My gesig was verdoof soos by die tandarts en my onderste lip het gevoel of hy 30 kg weeg. Toodles, die kat, en my eiers is steeds weg.

Jou vriend Roelf,
(wat nog aan skok ly)

kaktus
18-10-2012, 08:13 PM
Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would

Not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you are doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)

He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

kaktus
18-10-2012, 08:15 PM
Die polisie vang gatiep een aand met 4 krewe.

Meneer het jy lisensie om die krewe te vang?

"Nee", se gatiep, "is my troetel diertjies ek bring hulle elke aand uit om n bietjie te swem, na 'n rukkie dan fluit ek dan kom hulle na my toe en dan stap ons huis toe."

Polisie: "mar jy lieg mos nou meneer !"

Gatiep: "nee meneer kom ek wys jou dan "

Gatiep sit die krewe in die water en da gan die krewe
Na n rukkie vra die polisie wanne gan jy fluit ?

Gatiep: vir wie fluit?
Polisie: vir die krewe

Gatiep: watter krewe?

Weimaraner
19-10-2012, 08:19 AM
91 jarige omie besoek sy dokter.
Dokter: "Hoe voel oom?"
Omie: "Ek voel baie goed - my 19 jarige bruid is swanger.!"
Dokter: "Kom ek vertel oom n storie van 'n jagter wat ek ken...
Eendag sien hy 'n bok innie veld - gryp sy sambreel ipv sy geweer... lè aan... druk die handvatsel... Boem...! Bok morsdood..."
Omie: "Ontmoontlik.! Moes 'n anner man gewees het wat die bok geskiet het.!
Dokter: "Presies my punt oom !!!"

kaktus
03-11-2012, 03:15 PM
Vanoggend terwyl ek (minding my own business-as men normally do) op die
snelweg ry, kyk ek oor my skouer en sien 'n vrou hier langs my ... in 'n
splinternuwe Polo, met haar gesig tot teenaan die tru-spieëltjie gedruk,
besig om maskara aan te sit.

Kan jy dit glo?

Ek het net vir 'n paar sekondes weggekyk, maar toe ek my weer kon kry, is sy
halfpad oor in my baan, nog steeds besig met haar blerrie maskara.

Nou kyk, as 'n man skrik ek normaalweg nie maklik nie. Maar die vroumens het
my so die horries gegee dat ek my elektriese skeermes uit my hand laat val
het, wat op sy beurt die "Steak & Kidney pie" uit my ander hand laat glip
het en 'n gemors op die "gearlever" laat los het.
In die hele deurmekaarspul - terwyl ek die kar probeer stuur met my knieë
-glip die selfoon toe weg van my oor, drop in die vuurwarm Wimpy koffie
tussen my bene, verbrand vir grootseun en die tweeling dat ek gil van pyn en
natuurlik my sigaret voor in my hemp laat val.

Die gevolg: my selfoon in sy m@>r, my broek papnat, my nasaat masjien uit
aksie vir wie weet hoe lank, my beste hemp vol gate gebrand en ek het boonop 'n belangrike oorsese oproep verloor..

Blerrie vroumens-bestuurders.....................

kaktus
03-11-2012, 03:27 PM
Ek weet nou nie hoe jy oor spinnekoppe voel nie maar ek ry eerder 'n fiets sonder 'n saal as om een te konfronteer.

Ja, gisteraand lê ek rustig en lees, minding my own business.....bedlampie brand baie "domesticated" en sag met die komplimente van Cash Crusaders, toe ek so 'n sagte geskarrel in die kamer hoor. Ek dog eers dis die mot wat wil selfmoord pleeg teen die bedlamp se bulbpie...

Kyk... nee, mot se kind sit so stil soos 'n pedigree foksterrier wat razor blades skuit. Toe's die skuifel geluid weer daar en ek skrik alles regop wat plat was...en pap wat op was!

'n Onaardse gedrog van 'n spinnekop met W.P. rugbykouse, en wat as weltergewig kan inweeg, toer teen 8 000 refs oor die vloer en spring sommer so met die laai se handles teen die bedkassie op! Op slag k@k ek my beste linne in 'n herfs kleurskakering in. Lyk of iemand my bed kapoenkleur, so tussen k@k en pampoen gespray paint het.

Ek m@er alles, boek, bedlamp, asbak, glas, die toetie tot op die laagste vlak van die kamer, die vloer.

Ek skrik my enigste aambei wat ek het dat hy op my kuite hang! Nou's die m@erse spaaider nog tussen my en die kombuis, waar ek, omdat hulle my so mollesteer, deur die jare, 'n arsenaal van Doom vergader het.

Nou weet ek, nou sal ek flat out moet hol vir daai Doom.

Ek pluk my enigste halfnat Jockey aan sodat die aambei my nie pootjie nie.

Toe trek ek weg kombuis toe dat die briekmerke soos 'n straatkaart in my Jockey vergader... en ek 10 sekondes by die kombuisdeur moet back paddle om nie twee agterdeure te hê nie.

Lord of the Dance se g@t my bra!

Terug..... Daar sit die bl@ksem nog! Sommer so met die briektrek spuit ek al.... gelukkig net Doom! ...Osoonlaag en al daai goeters, se m@er!

Spuit hom leeg!

Duik my harige vyand soos Ryk Neethling agter die bedkassie in. M@er toe moet hy wees na daai dubbel Doom en strontreuk wat nou dikker as toffie in die kamer hang.

Ek trek die kas bietjie vorentoe, skiem nog so ek het gewen, toe skielik hol daai 4 wheel drive monster van 'n aardsgedrog teen die muur uit, reg voor my oë verby, tot kophoogte.

Agt oë soos Beetle wheelcaps kyk my vierkantig in my twee ogies.

Nou's dit nag. Ek verlaat myself, my water breek, my knieë swik, my longe loop leeg, my lippe parteer van mekaar.

Ek beskuie my weer sonder enema. 'n Kreet verlaat my binneste, ontsnap oor my trillende lippe.

Dis toe dié klanke wat Black Sabbath en Uriah Heep na die Drakensbergse seunskoor laat klink.

Dit was maar ook Spiderman se laaste asem, want net daarna los hy als en kom skeef skeef grond toe, soos fisant stront in vlug.

Al retererende het ek en Doom die veldslag gewen!

Weimaraner
14-11-2012, 09:53 AM
Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

dd
15-11-2012, 04:38 PM
Land Rover Facts

They say 90% of all Land Rovers manufactured are still on the road. The
other 10% have reached their destination.

All Land Rovers are like women - They moan on long journey's, embarrass
you in front of friends and you spend more money than you ever expected
once you've committed yourself to one.

Police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket

Why do most Defenders have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted?
So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for road assistance

Landy's have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4's.
That's because they are always being towed by something else.

Why do LR's always drive in convoy?
They are playing 'Who's the weakest Link'

I always wondered why they called their models, a Series 90, Defender
110 etc. But this weekend I found out, those numbers in the model name
are the top speeds.

When you drive on a toll road, you get these yellow emergency phones
next to the road. Stop and look closer. On the phones there are
emergency numbers: police, ambulance, doctor and Land Rover Service .

Q: What do you find on pages 4 and 5 of the Landy's user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

Q: What is the sport-version of a Landy?
A: When the driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Landy with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Landy gets in the way of a swarm of
killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge inside the car.

Q. Why do the latest models have rear window demisters.
A. To keep the hands warm when pushing.

Q. Why do Landy drivers greet each other when passing by showing their palm.
A. To show that they have not pushed the Landy since the last bath they had.

Henkt
19-11-2012, 08:32 AM
http://i1013.photobucket.com/albums/af251/htaljaard/lions.jpg

JvG
19-11-2012, 06:11 PM
http://i1013.photobucket.com/albums/af251/htaljaard/lions.jpg
Ag maar dis n oulike grappie......... :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

JSnyman
19-11-2012, 07:10 PM
Hi dd

Jy het 'n paar vergeet :

Jy kry 'n hond saam met die voertuig as jy hom koop .... sodat jy nie alleen huistoe hoef te stap nie.

Hulle het so 'n paar jaar terug 'n eksperiment gedoen om te kyk hoe dig voertuie is. Hulle sluit toe 'n kat in 'n paar verkillende voertuie toe en los die voertuie vir 'n paar dae in die son...... Toe hulle weer by die voertuie kom was daar 'n vreeslike stank van ontbindende katte, maar die Land Rover het nog heel goed geruik. Die kat het deur een van die openinge in die bakpanele onstnap.

Jy weet seker hoekom die ouer Land Rovers ruitveërs op hul agterruite het ? Om die torre wat van agter af in die agterrruit vasvlieg af te was....

Jy weet seker ook dat Land Rover eienaars, in teenstelling met ander voertuigeienaars, met hul rewolvers bo-op hul kopkussings slaap ?

Johan 8)

JvG
29-11-2012, 06:19 AM
Sipho en Jannie loop in 'n lekkergoed winkel. Soos hulle loop steel Sipho 3 Bar One tjoklits. Buite gekom se Sipho vir Jannie: "Man ek's die beste dief ooit. Ek het 3 Bar One tjoklits gesteel en niemand het my eers gesien nie. Jy kan dit nie beat nie!"
Jannie antwoord: "Wil jy iets beter sien? Kom ons gaan terug winkel toe en ek wys jou hoe steel mens eintlik!" Hulle gaan toe terug. Daar gekom se Jannie vir die eienaar: "Wil jy regte magic sien?" Die eienaar se toe ja.
Jannie se toe: "Gee my 'n Bar one." Die eienaar gee hom een en hy eet dit. Hy vra vir 'n 2de, en hy eet dit ook. Hy vra vir 'n 3de en hy eet dit ook. Die eienaar vra: "Nou waar's die magic?"
Jannie antwoord: "Kyk in Sipho se sak. Dis daar"

JvG
18-01-2013, 10:13 AM
Gaan ons nou nie meer bietjie lag hier nie?

JacoB
18-01-2013, 10:49 AM
Jy sê dan niks snaak nie

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

JvG
18-01-2013, 10:52 AM
Jy sê dan niks snaak nie

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
Grapgat :wink:

Henkt
18-01-2013, 10:54 AM
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Joe’s Law - As soon as you buy something and get it home Some geezer will tell you where you could have Gotten it cheaper.

JacoB
18-01-2013, 11:02 AM
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



En as jy die twee saam sit:

Law of the toilet - As soon as you sit down someone you have trying to get hold of for a long time/someone you need to speak to urgently wil return your call.

JacoB
18-01-2013, 11:15 AM
Murphy's Silly Law - If nothing can go wrong, it will.

visser
18-01-2013, 01:45 PM
Barack Obama was sitting in his office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Howzit, Barack!" a voice in broken English said. "This is Koos Vannermerwe here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom , South Africa . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you, boet!"

"Well, Koos," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jan, my next-door neighbour Lang Hannes, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight of us!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Blikkiesfontein!" said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again. "Barack, my china, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Koos?" Barack asked.

"Well, we have four Hilux double-cabs, two kombis, an old Case bulldozer, and Vet Gert's John Deere tractor".

Barack sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1,5 million since we last spoke."

"Liewe erdvark!" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you..." Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day. "Barack, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four okes from the Virginia Hengelklub have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Koos, I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Slaat my dood!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Koos called again the next day. "Jis, jis, jis, Barack! I am sorry to tell you that we've had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over some klippies and coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"

riaanbacker
18-01-2013, 02:54 PM
2 Brakpan paartjie besluit hulle gaan bietjie couples ruil om dinge bietje op te spice.

Later die aand vra Koos vir Piet, ek wonder wat die vrouens doen?? :shock:

Henkt
18-01-2013, 03:05 PM
Down with Mugabe
When Robert Mugabe completed 20 years of his Presidency, he wanted a
special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So he instructed Grace,
his wife, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps
were duly released and Mugabe was pleased.
But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints
that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.
He called Grace and ordered her to investigate the matter. Grace checked the
matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Bob.
She said:
"There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is,
people are spitting on the wrong side."

JSnyman
18-01-2013, 06:45 PM
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your freaking Ferrari then?